This stinks

Does freedom of speech include freedom to fart?

Take a moment to let that question sink in. After all, as we keep telling you, speech takes on many amazing forms. Surely farts have expressive meaning. Imagine what they could be telling you.

Take a deep breath and imagine it.

I bring this up because of a complaint filed last week in federal court in New York on behalf of a John Doe against Columbia University that included this:

“On January 17, 2024, Plaintiff attended one of the unsanctioned pro-Hamas pro-Palestine rallies on campus, and, as a harmless expression of his speech, he sprayed into the air a novelty, non-toxic, ‘fart’ spray named ‘Liquid Ass’ and ‘Wet Farts’ which he purchased on Amazon for $26.11.”

Ivy League academic debate at its finest.

I should note here that the paragraph with the price point quoted above was accompanied in the lawsuit by pictures of the two fart products. Amazon may want to use this in future promotion.

As it is now, the Amazon description for Wet Farts includes this: “This stinky bum fart spray is so potent, your victims will be left gasping and running for fresh-smelling air with just one spray … . Enjoy hours of laughter and make memories that last forever.”

Oddly, Amazon made no mention of political speech.

The complaint said Columbia accused John Doe of a hate crime, unfairly suspended him and then did nothing about subsequent antisemitic death threats or the unsanctioned pro-Palestine rallies on campus.

OK, if true, that’s bad, but at least the fart speech had an impact.

And made a memory that will last forever.

Another form of speech? Semantics are so much fun — especially when it comes to deciding what things are persons.

We’ve already established that corporations, PACs and embryos are people. So what’s not a person?

One answer, according to the Nevada Supreme Court, is counties. In a recent ruling, that court ruled that Clark County was not a person that could file an anti-SLAPP motion.

Ok. But then it gets weird — or fun for you semantics lovers.

There’s this sentence: “The Clark County Code Enforcement Department opened an investigation, during which the Department spoke with several short-term renters … .”

The County department speaks! And yet it’s not a person. How can this be? Is the County a robot?

It’s gets weirder. The non-person county, which I guess was arguing for personhood, claimed that recording liens “was protected speech.”

The county has a funny way of talking.

The court didn’t buy that argument either. Stripping and money are speech. Liens are not.

Go figure.

Is this real? Sometimes I run across a tale that seems so contrived that it can’t possibly be real. It’s as if the real danger from artificial intelligence isn’t that it will destroy us but that it will be constantly pranking us.

What if computers develop a sense of humor – and only they appreciate the jokes?

I have no evidence that a rogue algorithm dreamed up what I ran across last week: The Case of Be Bee’s BB.

Really? Come on. Either an AI or someone from The Onion must have dreamed this up.

In case you missed it, check out what, supposedly, is a ruling from a Minnesota Court of Appeals panel. The issue: Was Be Bee’s BB in a public place?

Yes, this was a dispute over a BB gun owned by a guy named Be Bee. Of course that’s the kind of gun he’d have.

You’d think whoever (or whatever) made this up could have come up with a less on-the-nose name.

The public place in dispute was the inside of Be Bee’s car. The BB was under the driver’s seat and Be Bee was charged with carrying the BB in a public place.

Imagine the public traipsing through your car and under your seat.

I’ll let you guess how this turned out.

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