Alternative facts

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of all the whining by media types about the Donald Trump criminal trial not being televised. After all, do we really want to see what’s going on?

OK, I guess we do, but should we? There’s a huge advantage to being barred from the courtroom: We can make stuff up.

I know what you’re thinking — you’re thinking that’s what conspiracy theorists do. We don’t need more of that.

But conspiracy theorists are going to theorize. They’re not going to stop. The ex-president's devotees are perfectly happy to believe the court is run by a kangaroo, that the defendant has been bound and gagged and put on a rack in court, and that the judge’s third cousin’s daughter is influencing the jury.

So why not counter bad misinformation with good misinformation?

We might as well make up our own versions of what’s happening in court.

Here are some examples of courtroom coverage. Feel free to insert them on your authentic-looking fake online news pages:

Trump Poops Pants

Former President Donald J. Trump Monday denied reports he had fallen asleep during jury selection, explaining that his eyes closed briefly while he strained to relieve himself.

“I would have waited for a recess,” Trump told reporters. “But the very unfair judge forced me to sit tied to my chair all day.”

Trump Moons Judge

“When they pulled my pants down to whip me for loud whispering, they accidentally yanked my underwear,” the ex-president told reporters.

Courtroom observers who included media representatives to whom Trump spoke failed to verify the former president’s claim. Instead, they reported he intentionally mooned the judge after being admonished for loud stomach rumbling.

Juror Claims Trump Propositioned Her

A female juror has accused former President Donald J. Trump of making an indecent proposal shortly after testimony by porn star Stormy Daniels.

“His eyes were wide and there was a bit of drool on his lips while watching Stormy,” said the juror, who asked that she not be identified. “When she left, he turned to me and mouthed the words, ‘see you in the hallway.’”

The juror said she was later approached by one of Trump’s attorneys who handed her a check for $130,000.

“It wasn’t enough,” she said.

Courtroom Fundraiser Grosses $10 Million

A gala fundraising event hosted by former President Donald Trump via Zoom during his hush money trial raised more than $10 million on Friday.

Most of the contributions came from the families of jurors in exchange for promises that their addresses be kept secret and their loved ones not be seen on the Internet.

An auction of items of clothing worn by Trump in court that day grossed almost $2 million despite skepticism that he’d worn 310 coats for one trial session.

Love is in Session at Trump Trial

An overflow crowd of women claiming to be former lovers of Donald Trump filled the Manhattan courtroom today during the former president’s porn star hush money trial.

Observers noted that at one point, Trump turned toward the women, smiled as if having a fond memory, then pulled out his wallet to show them that it was empty.

Extra bailiffs were called in to restore order.

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