Impeachment talk got you down? Does the mention of a word that rhymes with “dump” make you want to drive north on the southbound 405 during rush hour? The standard remedies — alcohol, meditation, self-cutting, ice cream, porn — aren’t enough these days.
These are unprecedented times and we need unprecedented distractions to live through them. Fortunately for you, I’ve done some research and discovered innovative solutions for this problem.
For example, have you considered personalized stress balls? You can get lumps of goo in all shapes and sizes, but think how much more satisfying smashing them will be if you’ve drawn pictures of your favorite enemies on them. I recommend using Silly Putty and a Sharpie.
While smashing, repeat the phrase: “I cast you out. I cast you out.” You’ll feel refreshed, but your hand may hurt.
Binge watch “The Great British Baking Show.” You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll wonder why American game show contestants can’t be this nice to each other.
You’ll also be compelled to bake, usually with disastrous results. Then watch “Nailed It.”
Challenge yourself to scour the internet to find the strangest things possible to purchase. Then buy them and amaze your friends and family.
Just a few examples from a quick Internet scouring session:
A 25T Set Screw Servo Shaft Coupler. I have no idea what it is or does, but I want it.
Take up opera. Not listening to opera — singing it as loudly as possible. It’s satisfying and you may get tips on the street.
If opera is not your thing, try rapping. Just make sure you’re speaking nonsense or this won’t work as a distraction.
If you’re up for an advanced version of music therapy, try rapping operatically. You could end up with a recording contract.
Personalized singing sharks. Cute and very creepy at the same time.
Gaslight a psychologist. This could be an expensive alternative, but a lot of fun. Book a session with a therapist to consult on a fictional problem — the more bizarre the better. Something like a sudden terrifying aversion to ducks of any kind. See how long it takes the psychologist to figure out you’re kidding.
But be careful not to be committed.
An inflatable swimming pool orca whale ride-on. You’ll be bobbing along in style while everyone wonders why you’re not swimming.
Amass a large collection of cats. Use excess fur to weave articles of clothing.
If none of the above works, make a game out of reality. Every time you hear the word that rhymes with “hump,” take a drink or eat a doughnut. You’ll be too drunk or fat to care anymore.