Amazing Tales

Sometimes a lawsuit is so epic and so full of astonishing detail that it seems impossible to write a news story that does it justice.

OK, it probably is possible but when a complaint is more like a telenovela than a demand for justice, it’s best only to offer highlights. The rest can be saved for the miniseries to come.

I came across an amazing example of this last week in a palimony suit filed in Los Angeles by a Beverly Hills law firm on behalf of a fellow named Jeff Fuller against Jamie McCourt, the former Trump administration ambassador to France and former co-owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers.

OMG!

Here’s a brief summary: Fuller was Jamie’s bodyguard while she was married to Frank McCourt. There was an affair, a highly publicized divorce, and then, allegedly, Jamie promised to share her wealth equally with Fuller after he gave up his dream to create an elite security business. They broke up in February and she’s keeping the wealth.

That could have been said simply (see preceding paragraph). Instead, we got a 52-page complaint with astonishing details and strange pronouncements. It might have been a studio pitch that got accidentally filed as a lawsuit.

You’re lucky I’m here to report this stuff (even though I’m only giving you a small sampling).

My favorite passages:

“As a friend to Frank, Plaintiff Fuller felt deeply conflicted; he was falling deeply in love with Jamie McCourt, however, his loyalty to his mentor Frank was always consuming his emotions.”

No, I don’t know what that means either but I think I hear dramatic music.

“Growing up without a mother after losing her to cancer at the age of five (5), Plaintiff Fuller went to the aid of an emotionally wounded woman whom he had grown to trust, heart and soul. In a love story for the ages, his desire to care for her, love her and nurse her back to health began taking center stage.”

I’m hearing “love story for the ages” in the elevator pitch. Who do you think needs clarification of the meaning of “five?”

“Plaintiff treated Defendant tenderly, inspiring her to move freely, making her feel like a natural woman once again.”

There’s a theme song there.

“Jamie confided in Plaintiff that she had engaged in a secret 30-year affair with Ex-Football player, Bert Jones throughout her marriage to Frank.”

Classic foreshadowing. But, apparently, Fuller didn’t take this as a bad sign. I didn’t know that “Ex-Football” was a proper noun.

“Defendant Jamie McCourt and Plaintiff Jeff Fuller drove up to Venice, had a beautiful dinner and enjoyed holding themselves out as husband and wife in public to the adoring people of Italy.”

Exotic locations! Raucous crowds! The trailer writes itself.

Let the studio bidding war commence!

Storytelling. When is a bowling ball like a lawsuit? When it’s a metaphor.

That’s not a joke or a riddle. The illustration below is from a third amended petition filed in District Court of Harris County, Texas, on behalf of the owner of a comic book store who also happens to be a professional bowler.

Those of you who have been considering using emojis in your legal filings haven’t been thinking big enough. The Houston law firm Feldman & Feldman knows how to illustrate a point. Its filing contains 13 comic-book style pages telling their client’s story.

I have no idea whether the suit is legitimate or not, but if I were the judge, I’d be tempted to give the plaintiff the win anyway — unless the defense comes up with a counter-comic.

I’m picturing sales of the book/filing to finance the litigation. Or maybe an NFT.

We need to see more of this.

By the way, in case you’re wondering, the lawsuit/bowling ball is aimed at fire extinguishers that allegedly were being thrown from a neighboring hotel onto the hero plaintiff’s comics shop.

I can’t wait for the next issue.

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