Please hand me Mr. fork

Suppose that France, Spain, Portugal and Germany decide that English is an imperfect language, because it does not assign sexes to nouns, such as Ms. spoon and Mr. fork. Then suppose those countries decided to “correct” this “problem” by proclaiming that henceforth all English nouns must be assigned a gender.

Thus, “Put that on the table” would be incorrect. We would have to say, “Put that on her,” or, “Put that on Mrs. (or Miss, or Ms.) table.”

We must not say, “Could you hand me a fork?”, but “Please hand me Mr. Fork.”

Or, “Could youx open Ms. Doorx?”

To even dare to suggest such a thing would be stupid, arrogant, presumptuous and several other unpleasant adjectives I’d prefer not to get into.

But wait, you say. Civilized nations would never issue such a proclamation: to dictate to hundreds of millions of people in other countries, who speak other languages, how they should speak?

That’s what you say.

What about Latinx?

This nonword was invented about 20 years ago. Its precise origin is uncertain. According to one philological journal (Good Housekeeping magazine — I kid you not): “Because the Spanish language classifies most words as masculine or feminine, the term Latinx emerged out of an act of solidarity to include LGBTQIA+[*] folks who may not want to be classified as male or female. Latinx is an intersectional term that aims to include all people of Latin American descent.”

No it isn’t. No it doesn’t.

It’s a ridiculous, arrogant nonword, invented by some morons in the United States who decided that because Latina, meaning a Latin American woman, is superseded by Latino, meaning a Latin American man, when the word refers to both men and women, the word Latino is unfair and oppressive and godnose what. So they came up with Latinx, because the Spanish language shouldn’t be … what it is.

That’s insane. Also insane, and ridiculous, is that even normally sober sources such as The New York Times and The New Yorker have permitted this nonword to enter their pages —without inspection.

Since the origin of this insulting word is so nebulous — I don’t believe that anyone has stepped up to take “credit” for it — I was flummoxed about whom to call for an opinion. I did call one eminent linguist, and got no reply.

So here is my opinion.

“Latinx” is an insult to the more than half a billion people who speak Spanish in our world.

I don’t even know how we’re supposed to say the word, and I am fluent in Spanish.

Latinks? Latinex?

It’s not a word. It’s an abomination.

To say that the language of Cervantes, of Bartolomé de las Casas, of Lope de Vega, García Lorca and Pablo Neruda is imperfect, and needs amending because of its grammatical rules, is … words fail me.

Fewer than 3% of Latinos in the United States use the nonword, and fewer than 25% say they’ve even heard it, polls have shown.

I can’t imagine that any country in the world today would try to tell U.S. citizens how to talk — what words we can and cannot say — unless it were Xi Jinping, Vladimir Putin, Narendra Modi, Binyamin Yahoo or Gov. Ron DeSantis.

I am fluent in Spanish, and glad of it. Just a few words to other people have provided me with years of friendships.

Latinks?

Latin-ex?

Who do you think you’re talking to?

Who are you trying to kid?

* And LGBTQIA+? To what depths of illiteracy must we descend before slogans, or, god help up, entire books, are written entirely in acronyms?

Categories / Op-Ed