Cold takes

Here’s my hot take on hot takes — they’re usually wrong, uninformed and why should we care what you think anyway?

There are too many hot takes!

But here’s one good hot take: doing research and giving a topic careful thought is a good thing.

What we need to combat the plague of uninformed hot takes should be obvious: cold takes.

We need to introduce the internet to the cooling, soothing balm of opinions that we’ve spent a long time nursing and contemplating. I urge all of you to post as many reasoned cold takes as possible.

“Like what?” you might ask.

Ok, I’ll start. Here are some of my cold takes that I’ve been constructing for many years.

I don’t like Ike. I don’t feel strongly about Dwight D. Eisenhower but I refuse to call him Ike. It makes no sense — Ike is not part of his name. Is the only reason for it that it rhymes with like? Why not call him bike then? Or Mike? Or shrike?

I just don’t like it.

Karens are not monolithic. They come in all shapes and sizes. Heck, my wife is a Karen but not that kind of a Karen. It pains her to be lumped in with all the evil Karens out there.

Justice for non-evil Karens!

Expect to see discrimination class actions on behalf of innocent Karens.

By the way, watch out for evil Pattys. They’ll sneak up on you.

The election was stolen! It’s simply not possible for the most boring contestant to win "American Idol" year after year. Have they tracked the votes coming in from IP addresses in Russia and China? Have they examined the computers counting the so-called votes? I don’t think so.

Big Country’s money can’t be allowed to undermine our democracy.

We need more sidewalks. It’s astonishing to me that cities can’t solve the homelessness problem since the solution is so obvious: build more sidewalks, zone them for homelessness, and add bathrooms. You please the heartless people who complain about blight on their walking routes (and seem to forget there are human beings in those tents). You also please the rest of us who think everyone at least deserves a place to sleep without harassment.

The economy benefits, too — you create jobs for sidewalk builders.

Problem solved.

Class actions aren’t classy. You can’t be classy if you’re common, and “class actions” are common as heck. They should be called common actions because the plaintiffs have something in common. It’s logical.

Enough of this Mary Ann or Ginger nonsense. Have any of you considered how this makes Lovey Howell feel?

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you may not be old enough to have a serious cold take.

Elon Musk is a masochist. Why else would he keep posting cryptic messages and bad jokes so he can be heckled by thousands of followers on the media site he claims he’s trying to buy? Could he be trying to convince himself the takeover is a bad idea?

The planet is not being destroyed. Humanity, however, is in trouble.

Guns are bad. I know this sounds like a hot take, but, believe it or not, there were shootings in the last century. Maybe no one noticed?