I have to apologize. Next week’s column is going to be slightly out of date because it was supposed to be this week’s column.
I have to perform an important public service this week. Since the beginning of the writers’ strike, most of America has been deprived of its most important and reliable source of news — late-night comedy shows.
I’m going to have to fill in. Here’s the news:
In keeping with tradition established by Elon Musk’s SpaceX, Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida’s presidential launch on Twitter crashed and burned shortly after takeoff.
“Twitter is now every bit as reliable as our rocket business,” Musk announced in a letter on paper sent to “non-woke” (aka “sleepy”) news outlets. “We intended to fail so that our next candidate launch will last longer.”
President Dark Brandon has urged former President Donald Trump to book Musk’s next flight.
Meanwhile, Republicans in Congress have passed a bill barring consumers from paying their credit card bills unless they agree to spend less money on food, housing and health care. Representative Lauren Boebert, during a shouting match on the House floor, however, insisted that necessities such AR-15s can be purchased in installments.
Sailors have reported that a group of orcas attacked boats in the Strait of Gibraltar. Scientists believe the whales are affiliated with the Proud Fins and Boat Keepers black-and-white supremacy groups.
Major corporations including Facebook, Google and Amazon are warning that the owners of TikTok are collecting personal data about consumers. The companies insist that only they can do that.
Indicted Congressman George Santos admitted his guilt and revealed that he is Hunter Biden in disguise. He then turned over a laptop that was found to be an Etch A Sketch with a file folder marked “top secret” drawn on it.
A poll of California voters revealed that a majority felt that Senator Diane Feinstein was no longer fit for office. The same majority felt the majority in Congress was never fit for office.
The Los Angeles Dodgers announced they were giving a community heroes award to a group of drag nuns, then rescinded it when conservative Catholics complained, and then reinstated it when LGBTQIA+ groups complained. The Dodgers are blaming umpires for the confusion and have requested a video review.
Team officials declined comment on the future use of drag bunts and bases on balls.
U.S. Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch issued a “statement” about Covid-era laws to teach us about the effect of laws banning the teaching of unpleasant history.
The statement says: “Since March 2020, we may have experienced the greatest intrusions on civil liberties in the peacetime history of this country.”
Do you get the feeling that Gorsuch may have missed a history class or two?
The governor of Florida must be so proud.
Finally, sometimes you have to pay attention to bad signs.
This is from a challenge to a jockey suspension filed in Los Angeles Superior Court: “Shortly after the starting gate opened, ‘MR DISRESPECTFUL’ veered inwards towards a horse to his inside through no fault of Petitioner and despite efforts by Petitioner to keep MR DISRESPECTFUL on a correct path of travel.”
The warning was right there in the name.
Back to our regularly scheduled column next week — unless there’s more news.
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