Are they real?

What happened to two-thirds of the Supreme Court? Why is no one concerned?

In case you missed it, the federal government last Thursday held its annual State of the Union Pep Rally. There were cheers. There were boos.

The people in white stood up and cheered for their team. The guys in dark suits and red ties mostly just sat there and played with their phones. Both sides appeared to be alive.

And then there was the group of six Supreme Court justices sitting at the front of the room — and they were FROZEN! They may have been statues. They may have been wax figures. They looked like they had a shared case of terminal constipation.

It wasn’t an ideological reaction — actually non-reaction — either. Three liberals and three conservatives turned to stone simultaneously.

At least that was what was caught on camera after President Biden said this: “In the decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court majority wrote the following … ‘women are not without electoral or political power.' You are about to realize just how right you were about that.”

You’d think they’d be happy about being right while all the people in white behind them were cheering.

Nope. Not a peep. Not even from the liberals who should have at least been nodding.

This leaves us with two important questions.

First, is the Supreme Court run by robots and did someone forget to reboot them for the State of the Union?

And, second, why do justices show up for the rally if they’re not going to have any fun?

Since Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito weren’t there, I’m guessing the Rally Six were depressed because they didn’t get vacations with billionaires.

Jealousy would explain a lot.

If that’s not the answer, we need to be worried about those guys.

Ageism. This may be a non-issue after that fiery speech, but couldn’t Joe Biden sue us for age discrimination?

After all, technically, we’re his bosses. We hired him and we could fire him. And a whole bunch of us have been mocking him for his age and perceived disabilities.

If nothing else, this is on-the-job harassment and if he should decide to step down, we’re talking constructive termination.

Someone needs to get HR involved.

Nose job. Those of you who are unhappy with your jobs can take heart — there are worse occupations.

This is from a footnote in a recent U.S. Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit ruling: “An odor panelist places the Nasal Ranger on his nose and uses the device’s six carbon filtered positions … to measure the amount of carbon-filtered air needed to render an odor undetectable.”

I did some research and found the job posting.

WANTED: Person with functioning nose for position as Odor Panelist.

JOB DESCRIPTION: The successful candidate will be required to sniff neighborhoods to determine strength of stench.

QUALIFICATIONS: Experience with wine tasting and/or cheesemongering preferred. Must have low regurgitation response and immunity to gastroesophageal reflux disease. Must have a minimum of a kindergarten education with potty proficiency.

BENEFITS: All you can eat at sniff sites. Tissues.

Subscribe to our columns

Want new op-eds sent directly to your inbox? Subscribe below!

Email *

Author

Submit