A Dictionary for Our Times

Should Ambrose Bierce ever return from his seat at the right hand of Beelzebub, with an urge to update his “Devil’s Dictionary,” I have some entries for him, beginning with the ACLU: an organization that claims to, and often does, act upon principles, causing people of all political persuasions to revile it as insane.

beer: a) nectar of the defeated gods; b) what the gods excrete after drinking ambrosia; c) a nutritious drink which Americans produce, as is their custom, by eliminating the pleasurable parts and retaining the parts that do harm

capital punishment: a form of death reserved for the poor

cat: an animal so superior to man it need not demonstrate it, yet does, by the manner in which it walks, jumps, curls up to sleep, and deals with man

Catholic Church: a multinational corporation that started out in poetry and storytelling, then moved into real estate

Chicago police: they serve, protect, plant drugs, suppress evidence and torture black people

Christianity: a religion whose most vocal adherents dedicate themselves to demonstrating their ignorance of, and inability to abide by, the tenets in which they claim to believe

class warfare: a term of opprobrium used by people who are winning the war, against anyone who fights back

club: a crude instrument of war (see country club)

colonialism:  the professed attempt to civilize foreigners by making them slaves

country club: a club (q.v.) whose purpose is to keep people out

cow: a stupid, peaceful animal that domesticated man, enabling him to survive as a stupid animal that wages war

Custer, Gen. George Armstrong: a) an American racist who wandered into the wrong neighborhood; b) a gun enthusiast who wandered into the wrong neighborhood; c) a fascist who would have been elected president of the United States if Sitting Bull and his warriors had not done us the favor of killing him

Democrat: the party of the working man, which demonstrates its principles by begging at rich people’s back doors

dollar: a language unnecessary to translate

drum: a) an instrument associated with war and aggression; b) a container to carry oil

election: a sort of feeding, like goldfish food, which is prepared in factories most people will never see, and which must not be dispensed too often

fairy tale: a) a story for children; b) a religion

FBI: an organization that rose to power under a cross-dressing pug who tapped phones, blackmailed congressmen, arranged the murder of black leaders, hated Jews and liberals, suggested to Martin Luther King Jr. that he kill himself, violated state and federal laws and the Constitution, and defends our civil liberties

fishing: one of the few rational activities left to man

God: a) a fellow who could solve all our problems but does not; b) a joker who owns the deck

goldfish food – see “election”

Hinduism: a religion whose goal, unlike all other religions, is not eternal life, but eternal extinction; this is its only rational element

horse: a gentle and beautiful animal that man turned into an instrument of war

ideology: a lie told by bullies to cowards

Illinois:  the most corrupt state in the union, with the possible exception of New York, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Kansas, and some others

Islam: a religion as ridiculous as any other, which demonstrates its ignorance by its opinion of dogs

jazz: “Jazz is freedom. Think about that. You think about that.”

— Thelonious Monk

Jews: a): (pre-1948) a people universally oppressed, exiled and murdered, whose response was to develop a sense of humor; b) (post-1948) a people universally oppressed, exiled and murdered, whose response was to show Palestinians how the shoe feels on the other foot

Ku Klux Klan: white evangelical Christian cowards who dedicate themselves to killing the helpless

lawnmower: a form of legal identification

lemmings: a) Americans who do not vote; b) Americans who vote

liberal: an invidious term people use to indicate their contempt for the principles upon which their country was founded

Libertarian: a political party whose platform is to follow ridiculous ideas off a cliff

Letters M to Z will appear next week.