We Need To Relax

     A lot of people have been freaking out lately.
     The stock market’s down, the wars drag on, the planet’s boiling over, the wrong horses win races – it just seems to go on and on.
     What’s needed, as much as anything else these days, is some stress relief.
     Forget about change – just give us some ways to relax.
     Drinking and drugs, obviously, are an option, but once you sober up things have gotten appreciably worse (and likely will include unpleasant legal proceedings).
     So what do we do?
     It’s a tough question but I do have a few answers. Here are some things you can try:
     Ignore reality. There’s really no reason to let reality get the best of you when you can simply pretend it doesn’t exist.
     Does hyperventilating over your stock portfolio really do any good?
     Of course not.
     If you don’t think about the last decade’s worth of profit that you lost, there’s no reason to be upset.
     Find alternatives to reality. Reality may fail you, but you can rely on fantasy.
     Online gaming can be a good choice, but there are pitfalls. What exactly do you do when your first-level blood elf avatar is surrounded by a pack of rogue shaman taurens and trolls?
     The wrong kind of fantasy can be even more depressing than reality.
     My recommendation is to keep your fantasy within the realm of reality. Instead of moping around the house in the evening after work, put on armor and a cape and stroll through the neighborhood while shouting challenges to evildoers.
     If enough of you do this, we’ll all be safer.
     Extreme self-indulgence. Eating a quart of ice cream is not enough these days. I recommend filling your bathtub with assorted flavors and diving in.
     Slather it all over your body.
     Encourage your significant other (or insignificant other who can be persuaded to do this) to jump into the other end – and then slurp your way toward each other.
     The real world will melt away.
     And after you gain weight, you can obsess over your diet and exercise plan.
     Recreational litigation. OK, real world litigation can be pretty stressful, but fantasy litigation can be loads of fun.
     Make up courts and causes of action and then sue all your friends and enemies.
     For example, you could come up with, say, Food Court and file an action for breach of covenant of good taste and fair nutrition, infliction of disgust, and indigestion.
     Get a real process server to freak out the defendants (preferably while being secretly videotaped) and then subpoena witnesses and calendar a trial at your house.
     Serve lots of ice cream during the proceedings.
     Smash your TV and stop looking at the Internet. You may even get something constructive done.
     A QUESTION OF SUCCESS. As you most of you know, I love fascinating damages calculations. I have another one from a complaint filed in Los Angeles Superior Court the other day on behalf of a fellow by the name of Adam Goldstein, aka DJ AM.
     I’m proud to say I’d never heard of this guy before – he’s apparently one of those people who got sort-of famous for being around other famous people (who got famous for being around other famous people).
     Said the suit: “Defendants published false and defamatory statements that, since the break up of his relationship with Nicole Richie, Goldstein has been unable to command the six-figure salaries he previously received as a professional disc jockey and that he is rarely used by major nightclubs. The statements in the article are false. DJ AM’s career continues to thrive.”
     OK, stop. Think.
     The defamatory statement is that he’s not doing well. He insists he is doing well.
     Where are the damages?
     How do you compensate someone for thriving?
     Someone is going to have fun with this one.

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