Tweet, Tweet

     Every now and then – actually, almost never – someone asks me why my Courthouse News columns aren’t more personal.
     Why aren’t I waxing poetic about my emotional trips through neighborhoods or Europe or my dangerous macho adventures in the wilds?
     There’s a very simple reason for this: my life is BORING!
     Really, really, really, really, really, REALLY boring.
     Trust me. You wouldn’t want a description of my typical day unless you were desperately fighting insomnia.
     This is also one of the reasons I haven’t ventured onto Twitter. The other reason is that I can’t understand why anyone would want to read, let alone write, little bursts of characters.
     But Twitter is such a trendy thing – it trends worldwide! – that I fear I’m missing something.
     So I decided to conduct an experiment last week. I would, at my whim, write Twitterlike messages and compile them here for you to see if there is any redeeming value.
     Here they are:
     Monday, 10:58 a.m.: In Van Nuys courthouse, an outer ring of hell. Drew no. 79. They’re on 56. What is the meaning of life?
     Monday, 11:45 a.m.: Still waiting in Van Nuys. Life still meaningless.
     Monday, 12:14 p.m.: Got 9 pages copied from file requested last week. Great accomplishment. Going to dentist now. Life getting better.
     Monday, 1:34 p.m.: Dentist late for appointment — again!
     Monday, 2:26 p.m.: Dentist made it. Ow. Still better than being in Van Nuys.
     Monday, 4:33 p.m.: The same pair of plaintiffs and their lawyers have been suing a series of clubs over Ladies’ Day pricing the last few days. I’m guessing no lady is going to pay more to hook up with those guys.
     Tuesday, 11:04 a.m.: I see that Kings won the Stanley Cup. Still don’t care.
     Tuesday, 12:52 p.m.: The TV in the Santa Monica courthouse is always tuned to CNN. Shouldn’t it be tuned to Judge Judy?
     Wednesday, 2:15 p.m.: Guy in Santa Monica courthouse was insisting on getting legal advice from a blank-faced security guard. So why aren’t metal detector guys required to have law degrees?
     Wednesday, 7:03 p.m.: Just read a lawsuit containing the phrase “… individuals exposed to same in multiple ways: PUT SOURCE OF EXPOSURE HERE.” The suit is about a “SUBJECT PRODUCT.” Hee, hee.
     Thursday, 12:09 p.m.: File window clerk seems unsure how to answer question of how she’s doing. Says she’ll know tomorrow.
     Thursday, 1:19 p.m.: File counter worker in another court mentions tomorrow too, when I ask how he’s doing. Tomorrow is when the court announces who gets laid off. They don’t know who’s going.
     Thursday, 9:35 p.m.: A federal libel lawsuit was filed over a published report that the plaintiff made $100 million (!) as a prostitute for Chinese officials. I’m seriously impressed. How could that be libelous?
     Friday, 1:03 p.m.: Two elevators out of service in Van Nuys. Not the cutback I was expecting.
     Friday, 1:29 p.m.: Big smile at the Van Nuys file counter. “All of us are safe. Seven days of tension and that’s it.”
     Friday, 2:24 p.m.: Sadness and headshaking in Santa Monica. “Rough day.” The elevators there work.
     Friday, 2: 35 p.m.: Guard to court assistant: “Are you still here Monday?” No one was secure in Santa Monica.
     Friday, 3:45 p.m.: Could working elevators be that expensive?
     Saturday, 10:44 a.m.: Need to write this week’s column. No wait … it’s done.

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