Surprising Sentences

     Recent sentences I was surprised to see….
     From a suit filed on behalf of a former lead performer and writer for the The Muppets: “Santoro’s failure to return the bear costume to plaintiff jeopardizes a project that several entertainment entities are interested in developing into a lucrative entertainment package.”
     Consider the many questions this raises (none of which are answered in the lawsuit).
     Were the entertainment entities only interested in negotiating with the bear?
     Is the plaintiff so ugly that he can only gain employment if disguised as a bear?
     Why couldn’t he get another bear costume? Is there a worldwide shortage of bear regalia?
     Was there someone in the bear costume that’s now missing?
     Or, perhaps, was there something special about this particular bear costume? Was it designed by Stark Industries?
     Someone may want to alert the military.
     From a suit filed on behalf of a woman lawyer against her lawyer ex-boss: “R (the plaintiff) is an attractive female attorney and who is happily married.” Sic.
     Can you spot the professional ethics issue here?
     OK, the statement (except for the grammar) could be completely accurate. But what if it isn’t?
     Consider (and write an essay about to submit for continuing legal education credit) the following topic: What is your obligation as a lawyer when presented with a client who claims she was harassed because of her beauty and/or animal magnetism but is really a disgusting, foul-smelling frump?
     Disgusting, foul-smelling frumps can be sexually harassed, but is an attorney representing them obliged to describe them as such? Or does the duty of zealous representation require the attorney to allege attractiveness?
     And, if you get carried away describing your client’s beauty, might you be guilty of sexual harassment yourself?
     It’s an area fraught with fine lines.
     From a suit filed against Britney Spears by a former security guard: “When plaintiff entered her room, defendant Spears was wearing only a white lace, see-through dress. Defendant Spears walked over close by plaintiff, intentionally dropped her cigarette lighter on the floor, bent over to retrieve it and thereby exposed her uncovered genitals to plaintiff.”
     The initial question, obviously, is whether this is really a lawsuit or the plot synopsis for a porn flick.
     But it gets weirder. After descriptions of several similar incidents, we get this: “On a number of occasions, plaintiff complained to the other defendants of defendant Spears’ harassment, but his complaints were ignored or mocked….”
     Consider this for a moment.
     Might you not be tempted to mock this person too?
     Think of the millions – or perhaps billions – of healthy males on the planet who might, conceivably, enjoy being sexually harassed by Britney Spears.
     And this guy is complaining!?!
     Arguments over damages should be fascinating.
     From an assault and battery lawsuit against Trevor Tahiem Smith aka Busta Rhymes: “Defendant Smith then began yelling at plaintiff: ‘that’s my sister, that’s my blood.'”
     A classic rap moment and that’s the best he can do? Is that what happens when a rapper dines at an upscale joint in Beverly Hills?
     How about …. “That’s my sister, that’s my blood.
     “If you missed her, you’re a dud.”
     Someone’s street cred is going to suffer.
     Probably mine.

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