Secret Lives|of the Founding Fathers



     Were the Founding Fathers gay?
     Normally I wouldn’t care about this, but the U.S. Supreme Court is going to consider the constitutionality of anti-gay marriage laws, so it’s important.
     At least it’s important to certain members of the Supreme Court.
     I know some of you are thinking it doesn’t matter if they were gay because none of them were married to guys, but do we know that? The Internet wasn’t around then. TMZ wasn’t on the case.
     Or maybe they didn’t care about stuff like that back then.
     We do know that Thomas Jefferson had his way with the help, and Ben Franklin favored sex with women wearing bags on their heads (which is why the Constitution protects jocks and frat boys).
     Statistically speaking, some of those guys must have been gay. Have you looked at pictures of the Fathers? Those natty clothes?
     The wigs?
     Come on. It could be a drag convention.
     Even if they weren’t married to other guys, put them in the present day and you know they’d be pro-gay marriage, if they were indeed gay.
     So were at least some of them gay?
     Let’s look at a sampling.
     Daniel of St. Thomas Jenifer. Yes, there is a Founding Father named Jenifer.
     The discussion could end right here, but there are other clues. He never married and he left his estate to his nephew.
     Yep. No kids. Not even with slaves or bag-headed women.
     Most suggestive line from an online bio: “The web of his far-reaching friendships included such illustrious personages as George Washington.”
     Et tu, George?
     Abraham Baldwin. Key line from an online bio: “During his time in the military, Baldwin associated himself with men of diverse social and economic backgrounds …”
     And the guy was a minister. Never married.
     Daniel Carrol. Yes, there is a Founding Father named Carrol.
     His brother was a Catholic archbishop. He married a cousin.
     Try to find any evidence of children.
     Bio line: “Not much is known about the next two decades of his life except that he backed the War for Independence reluctantly and remained out of the public eye.”
     Wonder why?
     Thomas Mifflin. Another cousin-marrier. Lapsed Quaker. No sign of children. Was wealthy but spent it all and died broke.
     Blackmail, perhaps?
     Nicholas Gilman: Bio excerpt: “… as a Democratic-Republican he won election to the U.S. Senate.”
     Definitely bipartisan. Bisexual?
     No sign of a marriage.
     Diversity: I don’t mean to say that everyone who signed the Constitution was gay. A lot of those guys, maybe, but definitely not all of them.
     In fact, there was great diversity – and some really fun guys. It wasn’t just Franklin and Jefferson.
     George Clymer had nine kids, that we know of. Jacob Broom and Pierce Butler each had eight, that we know of. Richard Bassett had at least a couple of wives and lived in “Bohemia Manor.”
     Butler, by the way, was pro-slavery and really rich. Hence, a Founding Father blessing for the 1 percent.
     This is why we care what the Founding Fathers intended.
     History is so much fun.

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