New Year’s|Pre-Solutions

     It’s time for our first annual list of predictions of stuff that won’t happen next year.
     1. Gun Solution. Once every man, woman and child in the United States owns a gun, there will still be shootings. A spokesman for the National Rifle Association will say that the group was mistaken and that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a bazooka.
     2. Luber. Joining with every other conceivable profession, lawyers will offer their services through an online service that offers on-demand convenient legal advice no matter where a client may be, within minutes.
     No tipping will be allowed, and clients and lawyers will be able to provide instant reviews of the advice or court-action experience.
     As a precautionary measure, in case of violent criminal or domestic disputes requiring immediate legal guidance, all Luber lawyers will be equipped with bazookas.
     3. Immigration reform. Shortly after President Donald Trump and Vice President Omarosa Manigault are elected, Mexico will build and pay for a wall along the U. S. border. This will be seen as a necessary measure to keep Trump out of Mexico.
     4. The Real Lawyers of Century City. Bravo’s new reality series will follow a group of plucky Luber Lawyers as they race from client to client, offering clever legal advice and engaging in affairs with clients who were confused about what the app was for.
     Meanwhile, back at a plush office suite in an impressive skyscraper, traditional lawyer cast members will show off their briefs and confess to the camera that they don’t understand why no one likes them.
     You will understand why no one likes them.
     5. Food fad or delicious treat? For some inexplicable reason, America’s best-selling and favorite candy will be Bazooka gum.
     6. Canada invades the U.S. Upset at the cancellation of the Keystone Pipeline, fed up with insults from arrogant Americans, and apprehensive about the full-arming of the country next door, Canada will launch a preemptive attack on the United States.
     Republicans will blame this on President Obama’s weakness and then go into hiding in custom-built, luxury secret bunkers.
     7. Hawaii and Florida sink under the ocean. Corporate spokespersons and the governor of Florida will blame this on fat people jumping into the water.
     8. The Real Mounties of Century City. This will become a hit shortly after the Canadian takeover.
     9. Political tragedy. Depressed after losing a primary election battle in Florida, Gov. Chris Christie will jump into the ocean.
     10. The end of taxes. A Republican congressional majority will abolish the Internal Revenue Service, cut all taxes to zero, and then be astonished that their salaries are not being paid.
     This will lead to a reimposition of taxes to support elected officials. The tax will be collected by congressional aides going door to door.
     Quote of the week: “There is no Supreme Court or appellate precedent holding that prison officials must treat retrograde ejaculation, infertility, or erectile dysfunction.”
     So, prisoners, don’t believe those emails.
     The quote is from a Third Circuit ruling called Michtavi v. Scism. I do not advise that you read it.
     It’s much more fun imagining what could have prompted the statement.

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