Elder Lawyer Abuse

     “We have met the enemy and he is us.”
     For you whippersnappers out there, that’s a quote from Walt Kelly, a cultural icon from days gone by, who knew what he was talking about.
     As an official spokesman for old people, I have to agree: We are the enemy.
     If you don’t believe me, you haven’t been reading all the articles on this newfangled Internet computery thing about the real problem with law firm advancement and technical evolution in the modern era: old people.
     See, for example, “The Legal Industry Generation Gap,” or “What If the Associates Ran the Asylum,” or “A Lateral Boom of Older Lawyers.”
     Codgers either can’t keep up with new technology and/or they don’t want to leave and make way for younger lawyers.
     What’s to be done with this population of annoying elderly lawyers?
     Murder, obviously, is a tempting option. Many poisons can produce heart attack-like symptoms. The chance of an autopsy is slim.
     Still, I have to rule that out as a recommendation. It violates ethics canons in most states and you’ll have to deal with litigation over splitting the dead guy’s share of the firm.
     You need to be more subtle and imaginative. Try to see things from the ancient ones’ point of view.
     Here a few things to keep in mind:
     1. Before doing anything, check to see if the senior partner is still alive. A partner may seem to be acting normally, but could be simply propped up on a one of them newfangled chairs. It’s not always easy to tell.
     2. Many old people don’t realize that they’re old. Years ago, one of my college friends told me he went to a high school reunion and was shocked to see that instead of his classmates, their grandparents showed up.
     A lot of us see the people around us withering away and wonder what the heck happened to them. We look so much better than they do.
     A lot of us see young, attractive people smiling at us and think they want our bodies. This may be true in my case, but all those other old guys are deluding themselves.
     You can take advantage of this by challenging old lawyers to tennis matches and/or signing them up on Tinder.
     They’ll need weeks to recuperate.
     3. Old people like to think they know more than you do.
     This is also true of young people – hence, the problem.
     Smartypants young’uns, however, can take advantage of the situation by pretending to agree with the codgers and then writing blogs about how old partners get in the way of progress.
     The old guys will never see the blogs.
     This brings a question to mind: If the old farts don’t know what they’re doing and the tech-savvy guys do, why don’t the young lawyers just leave and form their own firms?
     Come on. Let’s you see if you kids can earn your money where your mouths are.
     And stay off my lawn!
     Quote of the Week: From a complaint in Los Angeles Superior Court:
     “On or about September 14, 2013, Plaintiff was attempting to locate and provide assistance to an injured and pregnant stray cat. … At or about that time Defendants screamed at Plaintiff, threatened Plaintiff, slapped Plaintiff while she was within her car, punched Plaintiff in the face while she was within her car, pulled Plaintiff out of her car, threw Plaintiff to the ground, and continued to punch Plaintiff in the face until she was unconscious because they did not like cats.”
     We still have a long way to go in the fight for civil rights for all species.

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