Updates to our Terms of Use

We are updating our Terms of Use. Please carefully review the updated Terms before proceeding to our website.

Wednesday, May 29, 2024 | Back issues
Courthouse News Service Courthouse News Service

Don’t Read This

In order to access this column, please indicate that you have read and agreed to the following license agreement and terms and conditions of column use. Please just check the box without reading any of this just as you would with any other legally-binding agreement. Really, what harm can it do?

In consideration of the mutual promises contained herein and other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, the parties agree as follows:

I. Content of Licensed Materials; Grant of License

The materials that are the subject of this Agreement shall consist of silly jokes, sarcasm, and, probably, items in very poor taste. You acknowledge that you are voluntarily wasting your time by reading this material

Licensee and its Authorized Users acknowledge that the copyright and title to the Licensed Materials and any trademarks or service marks relating thereto remain with Licensor and/or its suppliers. Are you getting sleepy? Sleepier? Keep reading, I dare you.

II. Delivery/Access of Licensed Materials to Licensee

Licensor will provide the Licensed Materials to the Licensee in the following manner: in print on your computer. How else would you get it?

III. Fees

First-born children, $100,000 in small, unmarked bills, and sexual favors. The child donation requirement may be waived if the children are ugly or very loud.

IV. Specific Restrictions on Use of Licensed Materials

Unauthorized Use. Licensee shall not knowingly permit anyone other than Authorized Users to use the Licensed Materials. Authorized Users shall be defined as anyone.

Modification of Licensed Materials. Licensee shall not modify or create a derivative work of the Licensed Materials without the prior written permission of Licensor unless you want to ridicule the material. Then you can do whatever you want.

Removal of Copyright Notice. Licensee may not remove, obscure or modify any copyright or other notices included in the Licensed Materials. The fact that there are no such notices should not discourage you.

V. Licensor Performance Obligations


VI. Mutual Performance Obligations

Foreplay is waived.

VII. Term

Semester system.

VIII. Warranties

The Licensor shall indemnify and hold Licensee and Authorized Users harmless for any losses, claims, damages, awards, penalties, or injuries incurred, including reasonable attorney's fees, which arise from any claim by any third party of an alleged infliction of emotional distress or complete waste of time caused by reading this column.

Don't you wish you were doing something else now? Really, you don't need to read the rest of this.

IX. Limitations on Warranties

Notwithstanding anything else in this Agreement: I'm not really going to indemnify you for anything. It's your own fault if you read this stuff.

X. Governing Law

This Agreement shall be interpreted and construed according to, and governed by, the laws of Middle Earth. The federal or state courts located in the Shire shall have jurisdiction to hear any dispute under this Agreement.

XI. Dispute Resolution

In the event any dispute or controversy arising out of or relating to this Agreement, the parties agree to exercise their best efforts to resolve the dispute as soon as possible.

Mediation. In the event that the parties can not by exercise of their best efforts resolve the dispute, they shall submit the dispute to World Wrestling Entertainment. The invoking party shall give to the other party written notice of its decision to do so, including a description of the issues subject to the dispute and a proposed type of match (e.g. steel cage, last-person standing, or top rope elimination). Designated wrestler representatives of both parties shall attempt to resolve the dispute at a pay-per-view event after such notice.

o Please indicate acceptance of the above by checking this box.

And now this week's column:

A guy in Los Angeles last week sued the manufacturer of a penis-enlargement product called ExtaMax for failing to enlarge his penis. Said the suit: "ExtaMax offers to male consumers the age-old and patently false promise of a miracle drug that will make the penis larger and increase the 'pleasure' of a man's penis."

Yes, the lawyer here seems to be saying, my client is so stupid that he'll fall for an age-old false promise. Fortunately, there are plenty of other idiots out there so we can make this a class action.

Now aren't you glad you agreed to my terms?

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