Don’t Read This

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I. Content of Licensed Materials; Grant of License
     The materials that are the subject of this Agreement shall consist of silly jokes, sarcasm, and, probably, items in very poor taste. You acknowledge that you are voluntarily wasting your time by reading this material
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     Semester system.
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     Don’t you wish you were doing something else now? Really, you don’t need to read the rest of this.
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     Notwithstanding anything else in this Agreement: I’m not really going to indemnify you for anything. It’s your own fault if you read this stuff.
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     Mediation. In the event that the parties can not by exercise of their best efforts resolve the dispute, they shall submit the dispute to World Wrestling Entertainment. The invoking party shall give to the other party written notice of its decision to do so, including a description of the issues subject to the dispute and a proposed type of match (e.g. steel cage, last-person standing, or top rope elimination). Designated wrestler representatives of both parties shall attempt to resolve the dispute at a pay-per-view event after such notice.
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And now this week’s column:
     A guy in Los Angeles last week sued the manufacturer of a penis-enlargement product called ExtaMax for failing to enlarge his penis. Said the suit: “ExtaMax offers to male consumers the age-old and patently false promise of a miracle drug that will make the penis larger and increase the ‘pleasure’ of a man’s penis.”
     Yes, the lawyer here seems to be saying, my client is so stupid that he’ll fall for an age-old false promise. Fortunately, there are plenty of other idiots out there so we can make this a class action.
     Now aren’t you glad you agreed to my terms?

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