Just say no! to sanctions against Bob

Who started it? Israeli agents? Arabs? Russian spies?

Here at the secret Jewish Space Laser Complex (Bob Space Force 1 (BSF1)) we have determined that Some People (y’all) seem to have resigned yourselves to a Bobless existence, relinquishing your fraternal ties with Bobosity, Bobbishness, Bobplicity, the sadness of Boblessness, and so many other Bobless words.

What is wrong with you people?

And why have your contributions to BOB.DIDN’T.DO.IT.net/innocent! dropped off so precipitously? After all, I’m still innocent, wasn’t I? Once or twice. On occasion.

So keep those contributions coming in, ‘cause I’s drinking ‘em up faster’n you send ‘em. Praise the Lord. And Bob.

Be that as it not, or may, let the BSF1/JSLC submit this, to a candid World. We shall call this agreement The Titus Accords.

(Titus Flavius Vespasianus, Redivivus, late Emperor of Rome, appears, in all his glory, at the end of this column. We offer this authentic portrait to you, prospective suckers, voters, donees, for the low low cost of whatever you got. Remember: If you don’t send in money, you can never be part of the club again. All contributions to Bob or Titus are tax-deductible, or will be, if y’all just elect us. No, no: Keep your eyes on that other gentleman. I was just fishing around in my pockets ...)

However, in light of the Constitutional implications in 37 court cases in limbo in 12 of the 13 U.S. Circuit Courts, let us understand from the gitgo that in exchange for peace in the ’hood, y’all accept the terms below, in perpetuity throughout the universe.

The Titus Accords

Subscribers to The Titus Accords

shallnever agree,

in perpetuity throughout the universe,

to the Boycott, Divestment,

and/or Sanction of Bobs.

We Hold These Truths

to be Self-Evident

           That it wasn’t Bob’s fault.

           that we shall never boycott Bob;

           that we shall never divest our shares in Bob;

           and we shall never sanction Bob.

            And if someone beats Bob up, or beats up anyone Bob knows, or even thinks about it, it shall be within the laws of war if we kill them all and their families unto the third generation.

          Because We Trust in Bob.

          Also,

          Subscribers to The Titus Accords will be immune from prosecution under a Bob & Titus administration. Trust me on this.

Would Titus lie to you? Look at that guy. The whole thing was his idea. I didn’t have anything to do with it.

          A secret message to contributors to Bob’s campaign:

Are you hiding millions of dollars in a pseudonymous account on the Isle of Jersey? Shoot us the details. Bob & Titus will fix you up.

Do you have a dog-bite problem? That’s Titus’s department. He will testify that the bitch was asking for it.

And how could a Homo Sapiens jury convict a dog of a virtuous bite when no one in the courtroom speaks fluent Dog (Titus’s dialect) except for Titus and Bob? Riddle me that.

And let there be no doubt about the Bob & Titus Campaign’s Glorious Resurrection.

Are you the sort of voter who likes to be led around on a leash by an all-powerful master? O, come on …

Bob & Titus know there are millions of you out there.

So come on: Send us some money.

Tricky cases involving bigshots may require advance deposits.

          So waddaya say, Is it the new Bluesmobile or what?

(This pathetic plea complies with all relevant federal and state statutes on elections, and with the ethical code of the U.S. Supreme Court (aka Robert’s (Bob’s) Rules of Order).)

(Next week: Who is this ‘Bob’?)

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