I hate surveys.
It’s not that I don’t want to be heard. It’s not that I don’t have opinions.
It’s just that … I don’t know … they annoy me.
They’re mostly for marketing. I don’t see why I should help my corporate overlords sell stuff to me.
I prefer an air of mystery.
But mischief is good. It struck me last week that polls can be a source of creativity and delight.
Next time you get bored, set aside Angry Birds and solitaire and take a survey.
The poll that inspired this notion was posted online by The National Law Journal, on the “top vendors serving the nation’s legal industry.”
At the beginning, we’re told that “all responses will be anonymous.”
The first question asks for your name, company, and email address. The answers are required if you want to continue.
But let’s not quibble.
To play the game, make up really good answers.
Then post them on social media sites so they can be copied by faceless hordes who will take the survey using your answers to bring about real social change – or anarchy.
Let’s take the NLJ survey as an example. Here’s how I filled it out:
Name: Sherman Manning
Company: Wilson, Manning & Madden
Email Address: email@example.com
What best describes your title/job function? (There’s a dropdown list of choices. I went with “Law Firm Attorney (351+).” I think that means I’m a three-century-old vampire.)
Who is the best law firm PUBLIC RELATIONS FIRM in the USA?
This is followed by a list of choices and a box for “Other (please specify).” That’s where we’re headed.
Aunt Sophie and her bridge partners.
Who is the best law firm CRISIS MANAGEMENT FIRM in the USA?
Heckuva Job Brownie, Inc.
Who provides the best national LAW FIRM BUSINESS INTELLIGENCE solution?
Some guy who writes a column for Courthouse News.
Who is the best national INTEGRATED LAW FIRM MARKETING provider?
Who offers the nation’s best LEGAL MARKETING & BRANDING services?
A tie between Judge Judy, Gloria Allred, and Saul from “Breaking Bad.”
Who offers the nation’s best LAW FIRM WEBSITE DESIGN services?
Some kid in a basement. Follow the pizza delivery guy to find him
Who offers the nation’s best LAWYER/LAW FIRM BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT & COACHING services?
Paul Heyman. (Look that one up if you don’t know who he is.)
Who is the nation’s best SOCIAL MEDIA CONSULTANCY for law firms?
That would be me.
Who is the nation’s best END-TO-END LITIGATION CONSULTING FIRM?
There are 68 more categories after that last one. If you get through the survey, you’ll want to bill the National Law Journal for about a week’s worth of attorney time.
My favorites of the remaining categories are TRIAL TECHNOLOGY “Hot Seat” provider (I’d go with a Japanese toilet manufacturer) and best DOCUMENT DESTRUCTION PROVIDER (obviously, the dog).
I hate surveys.