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Saturday, April 13, 2024 | Back issues
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Wrestling Votes

Today, I'm officially embarrassed to be an American. You should be too. We should all be extremely ashamed of our country right now.

I mean, who wouldn't be humiliated when all three legitimate candidates for the most powerful elected office in the world start engaging in professional wrestling verbal taunts?

This is what we've sunk to. The Founding Fathers aren't only spinning in their graves, they're filling their coffins with puke.

On Monday, the eve of the Pennsylvania primary, World Wrestling Entertainment aired taped statements made by John McCain, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama addressing WWE fans. Of course, the entire incident made me want to move to Canada. And if you watch the statements, you'll want to pick up stakes too.

Now, if you don't watch wrestling, first off congratulations for having better things to do with your time. I watched quite a bit of wrestling in college, back when I listed heavy drinking as a hobby. I don't watch it anymore, thankfully, but you need to be aware that the statements are, obviously, littered with wrestling references.

Let's take the "people's elbow" and olfactory detection of food preparation to start. Both make references to ex-champ and current A-/B+ lister Dwayne Johnson, known in the squared circle as The Rock. In his glory days, The Rock's signature move was the "People's Elbow," and his tag line would be "Do you smell what The Rock is cooking?" I have no idea what that means, he just used to ask it as a sort of taunt.

McCain got off an older reference. His "McCainiacs" line referred to wrestling icon Hulk Hogan, who would refer to his fans as Hulkamaniacs.

On a side note someone needs to tell McCain to stop smuggling baseballs in his cheeks.

Proof that I don't follow wrestling anymore is the fact that I have no idea why Clinton referred to herself as "Hillrod." And even though he's referenced multiple times, I don't know who Randy Orton is, but it's pretty obvious he's the champ.

Now, it's all fun and games to be light-hearted during a heated presidential race. Aside from reading Timothy Crouse's "The Boys on the Bus" and Hunter Thompson's "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign '72," I've never seen a presidential campaign up close. I'm sure they're very tiring to participate in, and there are times the candidates must be mentally exhausted.

That's why you pay advisors. To tell you that even if you've been up for 29 hours and have traveled 1100 miles in that time, you need to politely decline an invitation like this.

Of course all three candidates tried to emphasize that they were promoting their agendas, but get real. McCain wants to stay in Iraq, for 100 years if need be, regardless of the cost. Clinton wants to pull the troops out, and Obama is a Washington outsider.

If any of this is news to registered voter wrestling fans, all six of them, they're officially too stupid to participate in November's election. Proof of that would be the fact they apparently can only understand politics if it's put into a wrestling perspective.

The candidates need to get back to work. We have serious, long-term issues that must be faced. Like how come Obama doesn't wear an American flag lapel pin (referred to in the press as KramerAIDSribbon-Gate) Or Hillary's open prostitution for super delegate votes. Or McCain's pathetically myopic assertion he can make a significant dent in the deficit by cutting earmarks.

This is America in 2008. These three candidates each want to have their hand on the button, and they're reading wrestling taunts (badly I might add) off a teleprompter.

I've got to check on flights to Vancouver.

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