Who is CNS?

I’m old so I still occasionally read newspapers printed on paper. And one of the nice things about non-electronic reading is the advertising.
     It’s not targeted by a computer who thinks it knows me. It’s not annoyingly covering up something I want to look at, and it offers some unexpected pleasures and mysteries.
     I mention this because I was leafing through my Los Angeles Times the other day and was startled by an ad featuring a head shot of an expressionless guy – I think he may have been waiting for a bus – under the headline: “DEPRESSED?”
     The guy didn’t look all that depressed to me, so I wondered if the question was directed at me.
     Then I looked at the initials in the logo at the bottom of the ad: “CNS.”
     OMG.
     If you haven’t noticed, I work for Courthouse News Service.
     What could this mean?
     The body of the ad recommends that if your meds haven’t been working, “you may want to consider the option of participating in a clinical research study.”
     Could it be that I’ve forgotten that all this writing and reading of court papers is part of my experimental therapy?
     It has, after all, taken my mind off a lot of other things.
     Why else would I spend hours every day reading lawsuits and court rulings?
     The ad refers to a website called cnstrial.com – there you discover that this mysterious outfit conducts all sorts of experiments.
     It occurred to me that there are lots of versions of CNS out there.
     City News Service.
     CNSNews.com (“The Right News. Right now.)
     CNS.org – The Congress of Neurological Surgeons.
     CNS – Catholicnews.com
     CNS2014.ieee-cns.org/ – IEEE Conference on Communications and Network Security.
     CNS – The Center for Non-Proliferation Studies.
     CNS Partnering and Deal-Making
     Computer and Network Systems
     Auughhhhh!
     I could go on and on. CNS is everywhere!
     And we’re all part of an enormous clinical trial!
     Soylent Green is people!!!
     I’ve got to calm down.
     Maybe I should call the number in that ad …
     Or, better yet, go on to the next page in the newspaper to find: “CHAMPIONS OF JUSTICE.”
     That was intriguing.
     Imagine my disappointment to find out that it’s just a couple of trial lawyers hosting a radio show (which the depressed cynic in me thinks they may have paid for, but I don’t know that).
     I have no complaint about lawyers hosting radio shows (whether they bought the time or not) but calling themselves Champions of Justice and then using a picture of a guy in a suit and tie is just wrong.
     If you’re going to be Champions of Justice, you have to wear tights and a cape.
     Preferably in court.
     A few pages later I found an ad for a “free lunch seminar” sponsored by the Neptune Society, “America’s Trusted Cremation Services.”
     I lost my appetite.
     At the very least, the Society should be holding their seminars around a nice campfire.
     This is why I enjoy reading real newspapers.

%d bloggers like this: