Unlisted Number

     I was sitting at home, leafing through one of the specialty magazines in which my postal inspectors have taken such sudden interest, when the Lord called me to run for president.
     “Why me, Lord?” I said, slipping the magazine under the cushion.
     “Why you?” the Lord replied. “For months I’ve been getting wrong numbers. You see the schmendricks who say I called them to run for president?”
     “But, Lord, I thought you were infallible.”
     “Can the backchat, sweetheart.”
     So, Gentle Reader, I’m throwing my hat in the ring. Since I’ve never done this before (I swear to God!), I’ve put together a platform based on the platforms of the other candidates who believe, mistakenly, that the Lord called them too.
     Aside from the name on the ballot, all our platforms are the same.
     First off, though all 7 billion Earthlings were made in the Lord’s image, the Lord told Me And The Other Guys that 6.9 billion of Them are wrong numbers. The only ones really made in His Image are People Like Us. (Cut to video and song with cute kids.)
     Are You like Us? Fine, you made the cut. You’re in. Send Us Some Money.
     Now for the details.
     Like the Lord and His Son, We hate refugees.
     Thou shalt vex a stranger, and oppress him, the Lord said, give or take a few words, for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt. (Exodus 22:21).
     See what the Lord said? Egypt. Not Syria, not Iraq, not Mexico. Egypt. We Candidates Called by the Lord are Originalists – Constitutional, not Biblical.
     Ye shall not afflict any widow, or fatherless child. If thou afflict them in any wise, and they cry at all unto me, I will surely hear their cry; And my wrath shall wax hot, and I will kill you with the sword; and your wives shall be widows, and your children fatherless. (Exodus 22:22-24.)
     Exodus, Shmexodus; that was 6,000 years ago – the beginning of the world. Those verses should be taken with caution. If at all. (See Amendments to the Bible.)
     Nor can We Who Are Called By The Lord approve of this so-called Sermon on the Mount.
     Who reported that speech? The liberal media.
     And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. … But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet … shut thy door. … when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking. Be not ye therefore like unto them. (Matthew 6:5-7).
     That stuff’s got to go. There are votes in prayer, people; there is money to be made here. We’re talking national exposure on prime-time TV.
     Do you know how much a 30-second ad costs on “CSI: Gomorrah”? You don’t? Then why bother to ask? Get away from me. Guards!
     Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. (Matthew 7:1-2).
     Folks, aren’t we sick of this namby-pamby liberal moral relativism? Haven’t we heard it long enough?
     Go ahead and judge other people. Cast stones at them. Do it on TV and on the Internet. It’s fun.
     All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them. … Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. … And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people were astonished at his doctrine.
     Who was that liberal rabbi anyway, legislating from the bench?
     Were His so-called laws cast in stone?

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