Truth Is Bad

     I’ve been hearing ads lately for an online service called ReputationDefender which, I guess, isn’t a bad idea but it doesn’t go quite far enough.
     ReputationDefender, among other things, claims that for $14.95 a month it will scour the Internet for stuff about you and even remove unwanted references with another service called “Destroy” (for an additional $29.95 per destruction).
     Imagine Lindsay Lohan using this service. These guys have got a goldmine here.
     And if you want to spend more money, you can get something called MyEdge (they seem to like scrunching words together) that is described this way: “After identifying existing positive and neutral content about you … our professional writers and editors create new, personalized, truthful internet content that’s consistent with the image you want to promote.”
     Why would you want that? It’s truth that gets most of us in trouble in the first place.
     So I am now announcing a new service: MyStoryAndI’mStickingToIt. For a not-nominal fee, I will create an online biography for you that will impress any Googler out there.
     Improve your education, impress women and business associates with your accomplishments, and become handsome on the Internet. Internet surgery is a lot less painful than plastic surgery.
     And then you can run for office.

     AN EMBARASSMENT OF RICHES. Honesty really isn’t the best policy.
     I see so many lawsuits against insurance companies for not paying off on their policies that it was a bit startling the other day to see a lawsuit against an insurance company that did pay off.
     But a Southern California woman has sued Primerica Life Insurance Company and one of its agents for, allegedly, paying off on a life insurance policy and then talking about it.
     It seems, according to the suit, that the insurance agent was one of five people chosen to speak at the funeral for the plaintiff’s husband. I don’t know why, but it probably seemed like a great place for a life insurance commercial.
     So the agent, said the suit, got up, introduced herself as a Primerica Life agent, and then said: “I am so happy to pay out this policy to Irene. It’s the first one I’ve ever paid out. Who would have thought ten years ago when David and Irene signed up that Irene would be set for life at such a young age.”
     That’s a good thing, right?
     Apparently not.
     “The audience was uniformly horrified at (the agent’s) statements,” said the complaint. I have no idea why, but that wasn’t the problem either.
     The problem was that the payout was “only $140,000” which wasn’t enough to pay off the widow’s mortgage but the funeral audience now thought the widow was loaded.
     Relatives were suddenly asking for money – “These false expectations caused family strife… This disclosure, made during the worst economic recession of our time, caused a rippling effect wherein financial requests began pouring in.”
     The emotional distress allegedly led to respiratory ailments and insomnia.
     This may be the first time anyone has claimed infliction of emotional distress caused by being given money.
     And the best part of this is that, I’m assuming, the plaintiff is going to want money damages – which could lead to further damages if anyone finds out.

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