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Op-Ed

Told you so

December 19, 2022

Keep your money under your mattress. You can't sleep on cryptocurrency.

Milt Policzer

By Milt Policzer

Courthouse News columnist; racehorse owner and breeder; one of those guys who always got picked last.

I love to say I told you so.

Last January, I warned you about “mysterious money” — i.e. cryptocurrency — that people, who for no discernible good reason, were invested in. I recommended keeping pennies under a mattress.

Last June, I doubled down on the mattress recommendation after the filing of a lawsuit against a crypto exchange that got hacked. It seemed that the block chain wasn’t any more secure than regular old unblocked chains.

Now, of course, FTX, another big-time crypto exchange, has collapsed, there’s been an indictment and, naturally, litigation will ensue.

Investors poured almost $2 billion into FTX. Why weren’t they listening to me?

Crypto, it turns out, can be stolen just like regular money. According to the indictment of Samuel Bankman-Fried, the FTX founder, customer crypto deposits were used to pay expenses and debts of Alameda Research, a hedge fund run by, you guessed it, Samuel Bankman Fried.

Well, at least this proves that crypto exchanges are kind of equal to banks and brokers. But not better.

There’s no reason to invest in imaginary money when you can lose just as much using real money.

By the way, I have to note here that Count Eight of the Bankman-Fried indictment ought to be getting more attention than the financial stuff. It seems, allegedly, that he “and others known and unknown” made illegal contributions to “candidates for federal office, joint fundraising committees, and independent expenditure committees.”

Seems like someone ought to be letting us know who those candidates and committees were — and whether they accept crypto.

Corporate crime. Are there any human beings involved with the Trump Organization?

I know that’s an odd question but it’s the first one that came to mind after seeing the news that the Trump Organization had been convicted of a felony. No human beings were convicted. No human beings are going to jail or paying a fine. It’s just the company that’s being hit with a small (at least for a big company) fine.

Apparently, no humans had anything to do with it.

Yes, I know corporations are people. What I don’t understand is why these corporations who are people are getting special treatment. If you’re a person, you should go to prison for committing a serious crime.

Regular human beings should be filing equal protection class actions.

Yes, the company’s chief financial officer pleaded guilty — but he also then testified against the company, which, I’m pretty sure, included other humans doing things.

If we’re going to insist on legal fictions of this sort, we need to at least even the playing field. Corporations should be sent to jail — literally.

The offices of a guilty corporation should be closed down and reopened behind bars. All employees must be required to wear orange jumpsuits, and customers will only be allowed in after being searched. No online commerce allowed.

And if a company commits a capital offense — say, by selling opioids — the death penalty is an option. A company like that no longer needs to exist.

Innocent shareholders can be treated like next of kin who can inherit.

Trump cards. I feel like I should be saying something about the new Donald Trump trading cards/NFTs, but this is beyond parody.

No jokes necessary.

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