The Real Story

     WASHINGTON – Americans increasingly are convinced – incorrectly – that President Barack Obama is a Muslim, and a growing number are thoroughly confused about his religion.

     So what do polls really mean?
     Hardly a day goes by without some professional opiner or politician pointing to what the American people believe or want. (Yes, I said opiner. My spellchecker doesn’t like it, but I do.)
     And then you see a poll that says the president of the United States is a Muslim or a space alien and you have to wonder how seriously to take all those guys who point to other polls to claim the “will of the American people” is on their side.
     After all, what does a poll showing an increase in the belief that the president is Muslim really prove?
     That he is Muslim?
     If enough people believe it, does that make it true?
     Is this sort of public wisdom why we ask people about government policies?
     And why has so little of the public discussion of this poll been about what seems to be real meaning of the poll: an alarming increase in stupidity.
     Mostly what we get are debates over how the president should handle his image. What we don’t get is a debate over the dangerous influence of polls of morons.
     Dare I say it?
     Maybe I’m completely wrong.
     Maybe I only see what I want to see.
     Maybe I’m the moron.
     Could it be that Barack Obama really is a Muslim, communist, Hitler clone born in a foreign country who taxes us even though no one voted him into office?
     How could this have happened?
     I’m going to open my mind now. It must have gone something like this….
     In the days leading up to World War II, Adolf Hitler was casting about for ways to cement his relationship with Josef Stalin when his girlfriend, Eva, inspired him.
     “If you love this guy so much, why don’t you marry him?” she said, while filing her nails and chewing gum in what she thought was a coquettish pose.
     “Ach! Mein liebe!” Adolf exclaimed. “You are a credit to the Aryan race. I will do that. I will marry Herr Stalin to produce children and combine our dynasties.”
     “Adolf! He’s a guy!”
     “You can’t have children with a man. Not even one with a handsome moustache.”
     “Do you like his moustache better than mine. Do you?”
     “No, no. I’m just saying you can’t make babies with a moustache like that.”
     “Eva. Nothing is impossible for German science.”
     And so the plot was set in motion. Stalin, after being plied with Bavarian dark ale and a fair amount of cuddling, agreed to a quick civil ceremony at a chapel in a picturesque Swiss village. A young doctor named Mengele took DNA samples from the happy couple and combined them with what he thought was a fine Aryan egg in his laboratory.
     Unfortunately, his assistant, Igor, who had been warned not to remove eggs from a jar labeled “Abby Normal,” obediently provided an egg from another jar labeled “Merry Hued.”
     Soon Hitler and Stalin were the perplexed parents of a very-suntanned child. Both became suspicious that the other had combined DNA with another man and it wasn’t long before Germany invaded Russia.
     Meanwhile, the scorned child, who had been named Igorina Hitler, was spirited away by Stalin’s Muslim nanny and taken to a military and religious training camp in Southern Kenya. There, Igorina met and married an African radical Kenyan Keynesian. Their son was then shipped by FedEx to the island of Hawaii to become what they hoped could be passed off as an American-born anchor baby.
     Instead, the package was misdelivered to a Kansas woman who raised the child on her own. She loved young Barak but often wondered why he seemed to be able to command seemingly mindless groups of child followers who would take lunch money from other children without ever asking.
     The rest is history.
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