The immigration solution

I would now like to solve the immigration problem.

(I’m holding for applause. Continue reading after you’re done cheering.)

The answer is: employment agencies.

You’re welcome — but I suppose you’re going to want an explanation. I’ll begin by noting that I have to write this because just about everyone else is wrong. Everyone else also is right.

The left is right that there is a serious humanitarian problem. The right is right that communities, especially in border states, can be overrun and don’t have the resources to care for people who need help. (I have to note that the right is not right to be racist, but that should be obvious.)

You can’t (or shouldn’t) let people into the country and then deny them work permits so they can’t support themselves. You can’t (or at least shouldn’t) shove desperate people back across the border who have nowhere to go.

Taking away children from parents and busing people to random cities is awful. So is overwhelming communities that aren’t prepared for sudden population growth.

Now consider numbers. The U.S. has an aging population and a need for labor. The U.S. has about 320 million people. If you add, say, a million or two immigrants into the country, you help with the labor problem and you’re only adding less than a percent to the population. They just need to be spread out properly.

Yes, I know it’s a cherished American tradition to overcomplicate and bureaucratize (consider, for example, medical insurance and taxes), but we could stop a lot of arguing with a simple solution: Get rid of the ICE agents, fences and immigration courts and replace them with a string of employment agencies along the borders.

You could even make conservatives happy by using private placement companies. LinkedIn could pitch in with networking. (Full disclosure: My son works for LinkedIn. He did not me put up to this.)

If you want to come into the country without a job, you have to get placed by an agency that will send you where you’re needed.

Immigrants are dispersed across the country, labor vacancies are filled, and people can take care of themselves. How could a conservative object to people working — that’s what they keep insisting poor people need to do even if they can’t get jobs. How could a liberal object to cities not being drained of welfare funds?

And then if an immigrant works x number of years and pays taxes without going on a crime spree, they get to be citizens.

Almost everyone is happy, until they find something else to argue about. The unhappy exceptions are people worried about blood tainting and masses of criminals and asylum escapees (as opposed to asylum-seekers who could be voluntarily institutionalized). Racists crave empathy too.

The solution for them is a tiny bit of paperwork. All immigrants must be required to sign a pledge not to taint anyone’s blood without express advanced permission and agree to be reported to a manager by any U.S. citizen. Designated government managers should then be empowered to shake their heads in dismay and post a film of the person complaining on social media.

Transparency is the key.

And what if the entire world decides to immigrate to the U.S.? We don’t have jobs for everyone.

Not a problem. Private companies love to ship jobs overseas. The placement agencies along the border can be a clearinghouse for employment opportunities throughout the globe — probably mostly to the tropical farming areas in the Arctic and Antarctic.

The world is saved.

Hint for Republicans. The New York Times last week ran a story about the Republican Party hiring outside groups to do canvassing. It contained this paragraph:

“There’s only X amount of people who are willing to go out and walk three, four, six, seven hours a day,’ said Chuck Warren, who runs a canvassing operation that has worked extensively with the Republican National Committee …. "There’s just not a lot of people willing to do it.”

Hmm. I can think of some workers who don’t mind long walks.

They might even vote for you if you let them in.

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