The End

     Many people, in fact, none, have responded to last week’s column.
     “How do you do it, Bob?” they ask.
     But I doze off afternoons and seldom hear the rest of the question.
     Here is the second half of my modern dictionary.
     Nazi: a conservative, pro-business, pro-defense political party which believed in traditional religious values, a strong executive, and wished to live in a post-racial society
     novel: 1. a piece of writing of some length with something wrong with it; 2. the only ethical manner in which to perform experiments upon humans
     oral sex: like the modern financial industry, this involves a lot of excitement and occasional screaming and moaning, but no real production
     pi: the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its radius, best remembered by the mnemonic, “How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving quantum mechanics,” pi being the number of letters in each word: 3.14159265358976;
     pie, fruit: along with jazz and Mark Twain, America’s greatest contribution to human happiness
     poet: formerly, one who sang to his people; now, one who whines that (s)he is so alone
     political corruption: water to a fish
     political parties: organizations exempted from the laws on extortion
     public school: an institution of coercion and liberation
     Quakers: a group forced to be peaceful because if they were not they would kill one another in their interminable meetings
     religion: an organization like a country club, and established for the same reasons, but which collects its dues in a different manner
     Republican: the party of Abraham Lincoln, in the sense that Don Juan is the avatar of virginity and the Treponema pallidum spirochete is the bacterium of love
     salt: the urge to look at the sea
     Satan: more honored in the observance
     Skinner, B.F.: a psychologist who achieved worldwide fame as the leading proponent of Behaviorism, which claimed that animal behavior, including human behavior, could not be studied scientifically unless the behavior could be measured. He died on Aug. 18, 1990, on his 31,563rd day of life, 86 years, 4 months and 29 days after he was born. Diligent research has been unable to determine how much he weighed when he died
     Stockholm syndrome: modern life
     time: an illusion we live in
     trees: an agreement between water and stone
     Twain, Mark: America’s greatest philosopher, whose truths are so uncomfortable Americans prefer to regard them as humor
     Vietnam war: a war the United States refused to admit it lost, and so fights over again in other places, with similar results
     Vonnegut, Kurt: a writer out of favor with the literati, because he used words to tell a story rather than to investigate his own navel
     whale: a mammal that saw the way things were going on land and moved into a nicer neighborhood
     X-ray: a contraption that shows men’s bones without the flesh; a time machine
     yesterday: traditionally, the time when the tragedy could have been prevented
     zoo: institutions in which man may study superior species but fail to learn from them

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