The End Is Nigh

     Now that the apocalypse is upon us, it’s been surprising to me that hardly anyone has been discussing the legal ramifications.
     In case you’ve missed the billboards and the website put up by something called Family Radio Worldwide, the rapture for believers and destruction for the rest of us is due May 21 at 6 p.m., so you really should be thinking about this. The ethical and estate planning issues alone need serious attention.
     Fortunately, I’m here to help. (Continued…)

     The following frequently asked questions (by me to myself) offer some guidance.
     Since the end is near, should I be taking cases on contingency?
     Is the end of the world definite or should I assume that business as usual is a possibility?
     You’re thinking about this the wrong way. Don’t assume anything – let your clients do the assuming for you.
     If your client believes that destruction is imminent, he or she won’t mind paying your fees in advance.
     If your client believes the world will continue, point out the advantages of suing people who do believe the world is ending.
     Should I plea bargain for a life sentence?
     Not until next month.
     Should I take a vacation now while I still can?
     Absolutely not. Everything will be booked and overpriced.
     You should have taken that trip you wanted last year.
     With so little time left and so little to lose, should I become a murderer, rapist or investment banker?
     Those are all attractive career options but they don’t make sense now. You won’t have time to learn to do any of those things well, so your satisfaction will be minimal.
     Instead, focus on what you do best and take it to next level.
     Are you the master of discovery? Make your next set of interrogatories look like two phone books.
     Are you the best at browbeating young associates? Chain them to their desks and order them to work like there’s no tomorrow (which there isn’t).
     Do you relish cross-examination? Don’t stop until the witness cries. Give yourself extra credit if the judge cries too.
     This is the time for fulfillment.
     Should I stop and smell the roses?
     Of course not. Stop wasting time.
     What do I do on May 22 if the world doesn’t end?
     First off, call all your clients and tell them to stop doing whatever they’re doing.
     Second, send out apologies.
     Third, pretend that the previous month never happened.
     Fourth, consider debauchery. You deserve it.
     And, finally and most importantly, start lining up plaintiffs for the class action against Family Radio Worldwide.
     There are going to be some serious potential damages.

%d bloggers like this: