The End Is Nearer

     Actual Internet headline from last week: ” ‘American Idol’: The Unexpected Expulsion of Rocker James Durbin Isn’t the End of the World.”
     Surprising as that may seem, it is of course correct. If you were with me here last week, you know the end of the world isn’t scheduled until May 21. The Durbin expulsion may be a sign of the coming Apocalypse, but it isn’t the event itself.
     I know what you’re thinking. Why weren’t the expulsions of Chris Daughtry or Adam Lambert or Casey Abrams or Pia Toscano or (my personal favorite from years ago) Melinda Doolittle also signs of the Apocalypse. How do you explain that, Mr. Prophet of Doom?
     The answer is simple: they weren’t close to May 21 of this year.
     So it behooves us to look for other signs of the coming big event. What else has happened during the past week?
     Well, for one thing, John Doe has been sued.
     Yes, I know he’s been sued before, but this particular John Doe, according to the Los Angeles Superior Court lawsuit, is “an A-list celebrity of substantial fame.”
     And yet, although he’s the defendant, not the plaintiff, his name is not mentioned.
     It’s been suggested to me that this is some sort of strategic move by the plaintiff’s lawyer to get a better or easier settlement, but I prefer to think of it as a sign of the Apocalypse because it’s May. What self-respecting groupie – or should it be gropey? – is going to miss out on book deals and movie rights sales and interviews with Piers Morgan and Dr. Phil just to protect some celebrity’s identity?
     There’s some serious money to be made here and possibly a celebrity career if you’ve got a sex tape out there with an A-List celebrity.
     In case you missed the news coverage, “J. Roe” (which I’m assuming is not an Asian pronunciation of J-Lo) isn’t mad about the sex tape or the “evening of prolonged sex and illicit drug use.” She’s just upset that he didn’t mention that he had herpes.
     And she’s protecting the guy’s identity! Apparently she doesn’t want to spoil the chance for prolonged sex and videotape for other women who might be intimidated by this herpes thing.
     Maybe the plaintiff thinks the A-List celebrity will learn the error of his ways and never have sex again. And maybe that’s a sign of the Apocalypse.
     My favorite line from the lawsuit, by the way, is the very first sentence: “As a carnivorous plant lures unsuspecting victims with veiled deceit, so to (sic) did the defendant in this case.”
     So he pretended to be a flower and then tried to eat her? Don’t look at me.
     
     LAWYERS DON’T NEED CAPES. A rather odd introduction to a class action lawsuit filed last week (and, thus, perhaps a sign of the Apocalypse) got me to thinking about Super Lawyers.
     What exactly are they and what are their super powers?
     I did a little research and discovered the answer.
     But first the excerpt from the lawsuit: “He is a member of the State Bar who has never been disciplined. He has been rated AV by Martindale for 15 consecutive years by his peers – the highest possible rating for ethics and competence – and was voted a SUPERLAWYER for 6 consecutive years in LOS ANGELES MAGAZINE.”
     That was the description of the named plaintiff in a proposed class action – which had nothing to do with the plaintiff being a lawyer. Perhaps it’s meant as a warning to businesses not to deal with Super Lawyers.
     And how can you tell whether you’ve got a Super Lawyer on your hands?
     Just read Super Lawyers Magazine. It will tell you.
                It turns out that the Super Lawyer designation is based on what appear to be some stringent guidelines.
     Note the capital letters of the designation. According to the magazine website, “Super Lawyers is a registered trademark and we take pains to make sure the term is used properly. A lawyer on our list is not a “Super Lawyer,” or, for that matter, a “Rising Star.” Rather, proper usage would be he or she “has been selected for inclusion in Super Lawyers-Rising Stars Edition 2008.” Used properly, the term is not descriptive, comparative or self-aggrandizing (which in some jurisdictions could raise ethical concerns). It is simply a verifiable fact and, as such, is protected speech.”
     And you can buy ads – in Super Lawyers Magazine, for example – while using the term factually.
     There’s just one problem – you need to be nominated by one of your peers to get to be a Super Lawyer.
     Want to bet there are some pretty good but obnoxious lawyers out there who don’t get to be Super Lawyers?
     You’ll find those guys in Super Villain Lawyers Magazine. (Note: This is my idea and you have to give me credit when you publish it.)
     

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