Last I heard Ambrose Bierce was still dead, so he can’t sue me for this second update to his “Devil’s Dictionary.” Here are additions for letters M through Z, beginning with Man: an inferior sort of woman.
marijuana: a useful drug, illegal because it is pleasurable
mathematics: a way for man to count his murders
Mexico: a country disliked by many North Americans, because the days are so much longer there; the average Mexican day is two or three times longer than a day in the United States
mouth: the body part through which most mistakes are made
music: a) appreciation of God; b) defiance, in the absence of God
Nazi: a conservative, pro-business, pro-defense political party that believed in traditional religious values, a strong executive, and wished to live in a post-racial society
novel: a) a piece of writing of some length with something wrong with it; b) the only ethical manner in which to perform experiments upon humans
oral sex: like the modern financial industry, and the U.S. Congress, this involves a lot of excitement and occasional screaming and moaning, but no real production
orange: a) a fruit; b) proof of the existence of god
past: an illusion
Ph.D.: one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing
Poe, Edgar: a poet who suffered through a sad life, whose poems gave thousands of young people their first glimpse of what poetry can be, for which he is execrated by critics, who cannot do that
poet: a) formerly, one who sang to his people; b) now, one who whines that (s)he is so alone
political corruption: water to a fish
political parties: organizations exempted from the laws on extortion
prostitution: a crime for which the woman pays
Quakers: a group forced to be peaceful because if they were not they would kill one another in their interminable meetings
rape: a crime committed almost exclusively by men, and for that reason difficult to prosecute
religion: an organization like a country club, and established for the same reasons, but which collects its dues in a different manner
Republican: the party of Abraham Lincoln, in the sense that Don Juan is the avatar of virginity, and the Treponema pallidum spirochete is the bacterium of love
salt: the urge to look at the sea
Satan: more honored in the observance
sex: a force that created human beings, animals, plants and microbes, to perpetuate pleasure on this poor suffering planet
sports: ritual warfare in which people are not killed except by accident or for profit
Stockholm syndrome: modern life
terrorist: short-sighted
tiger: the most beautiful animal that ever existed, for which reason men kill it
time: an illusion we live in
tobacco: a solace that accelerates death
trees: an agreement between water and stone
TV: a legal narcotic
Twain, Mark: America’s greatest philosopher, whose truths are so uncomfortable Americans prefer to regard them as humor
Unitarianism: a group dedicated to the impossible project of reconciling reason and religion
vagina: a place from which all humans emerge, and to which half of us seek to return
Vietnam war: a war the United States refuses to admit it lost, and so fights over again in other places, with similar results
Vonnegut, Kurt: a writer out of favor with the literati, because he used words to tell a story rather than to investigate his own navel
Wall Street: a street in lower Manhattan named for the wall built around its slave market; its slaves have been dispersed
war: the natural state of mankind
whale: a mammal that saw the way things were going on land and moved into a nicer neighborhood
World War (I & II): businesses that became rich by destroying the planet a little bit at a time
worm: a soft plow
X-ray: a) a contraption that shows men’s bones without the flesh; b) a time machine
yesterday: the time when the tragedy could have been prevented
zoo: institutions in which man may study superior species but fail to learn from them
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