The Alien Problem

     Space aliens have taken over the U.S. Supreme Court!
     I know that sounds far-fetched but the evidence is there. You just have to look for it. (I have a lot of time on my hands, so I can do this sort of thing.)
     Last week I noted something was wrong when the court, the week before, had issued five rulings and four of them were unanimous. I worried about contamination in the Supreme Court cafeteria.
     Then it got more blatant. Within a couple of days, the unanimous court slammed the liberal Obama administration with a ruling on appointments and slammed law-and-order types with a ruling on cellphone privacy.
     Even ESOP administrators (i.e. business types) got unanimously slammed .
     Aren’t those guys supposed to pick a side and stick to it?
     Are they randomly making decisions behind the scenes so they can mess with our heads?
     I was desperate for an explanation of this phenomenon when the clues finally started appearing.
     Consider this from “Justice Roberts” in the cellphone case: “These cases require us to decide how the search incident to arrest doctrine applies to modern cell phones, which are now such a pervasive and insistent part of daily life that the proverbial visitor from Mars might conclude they were an important feature of human anatomy.”
     “Proverbial” visitor?
     Has it ever occurred to a human that a cellphone was part of someone’s body?
     It might occur to someone with a very different kind of biology.
     Then there’s this line from the same ruling: “That is like saying a ride on horseback is materially indistinguishable from a flight to the moon.”
     How does “Justice Roberts” know so much about flights to the moon?
     And then there’s this from “Justice Breyer” in the ESOP case: “Such a rule does not readily divide the plausible sheep from the meritless goats.”
     Would a human justice (or farmer) disparage goats like that while praising sheep?
     Or could these be the words of a future alien overlord considering his flock of humanity?
     I’m very afraid.
     But I’d also kind of like to see Congress taken over …
     Another Clue: If you think aliens couldn’t write realistic Supreme Court opinions, consider that they don’t have to.
     College students aren’t the only people who can find what they need for a paper online.
     I’m not saying this happened here, but it was kind of amusing to spot a blog by 7th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Richard Posner that contained this: “The New York Times quotes a law professor as saying that ‘This is a bold opinion. … It is the first computer-search case, and it says we are in a new digital age. …’ No, the opinion is not bold. …
     “I noticed a citation in the court’s opinion to a case from my court, United States v. Lopez-Flores, the name of which rang a bell. It was an opinion of mine issued in 2012, and when I reread it I realized it is almost identical to the Supreme Court’s opinion.”
     Probably one of the alien clerks dug it up.
     Now think about all the other judges around the country who have suddenly realized that something in a Supreme Court opinion looked oddly familiar.
     Quote of the Week: Please stop reading now if you’re easily offended. You’ve been warned.
     Here is a quote from a Los Angeles Superior Court complaint filed last week. I’ve deleted the names.
     “Dr. G was supposed to do a rectal examination of Ms. S, but instead of examining her rectum, he inserted his finger in Ms. S’s vagina and ‘began to palpate circumflexually.’ When Ms. S advised him that his finger was in her vagina, not her rectum, Dr. G argued with her, and refused to immediately remove his finger.”
     Do you think the doctor has any children?
     Or do you think this might have been an alien probe?

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