Milt

Apparently, you’re not as young as you feel. We know this now because of news reports last week about a guy in Holland who wanted to officially remove 20 years from his age, but a court wouldn’t let him do it.

Some fascinating lines in court rulings this past week. Here are some of my favorites: “At the time of Yarbrough’s hire, the Board knew that this was his first job working with students in a school setting; prior to working at Fernwood (Elementary School), Yarbrough was a bouncer at the Red Diamond Strip Club.” (Wordlow v. Chicago Board of Education)

I hate it when a judge’s opinion tantalizes you with a possibly fascinating discussion and then you get nothing but a conclusion. You’d think God would deserve more than that. Case in point: a ruling from a federal judge in the District of Columbia last week in Mark K. Bowser v. Donald J. Trump, in which the plaintiff claimed to be God and that his identity had been stolen. Considering who the defendant was, this seemed quite possible.

I’m going play devil’s advocate here in a moment — mainly because it’s the obvious sort-of pun expected of me

I have no idea whether there will still be a Mueller investigation into collusion with Russians and random presidential misbehavior by the time you read this, but you needn’t despair. At least not if you want the investigation to continue.

True story: I came up to an elevator bank in the civil courthouse in Los Angeles last week and saw that the Up button had already been pressed. A fit-looking man, perhaps around 30, with short, wavy salt-and-pepper hair was waiting there. An elevator, clearly going up, arrived and we both got on.

You’d think the Internet and fake news and fake fake news (i.e. real news that people call fake) and bots with opinions are all confusing enough these days. But now there’s another insidiously misleading trend to watch out for: groups that act like they’re on one side but are really on the other.

If not Yale or Harvard, then where? If you’re in, say, a boardroom with a bunch of people from Yale and Harvard, do you need someone from Appalachian State (which I’m sure is a fine institution) to balance things out? Do things need to be balanced out?

So what exactly is an excessive fine? Is it an exact amount or does it differ depending on who has to pay it? The Eighth Amendment to the Constitution says excessive fines shall not be imposed. What does that mean?

I don’t say this very often, but every now and then it seems that a federal judge is being way

I know there is way too much entertainment out there. I can’t keep up with all the wrestling programming, let alone “Better Call Saul” and “The Great British Baking Show.” Work, lunch and sleeping keep getting in the way.

If, like me, you’re a fan of professional wrestling, you know that facts and logic aren’t all that important. Neither is consistency. Wrestling is a reflection of life and life can make very little sense.

It’s heartwarming when a well-meaning person tries to teach someone else a lesson and ends up doing the learning instead of just teaching. Unless, of course, the lesson learned is that you’ll be sued for teaching the lesson.

Shouldn’t obscure people have a right to speak? If you’re going to put on a festival of ideas — an event that might actually educate and expand the minds of the masses — shouldn’t you offer stuff we don’t already know?

Should you be compensated for a shattered illusion? Maybe, but what if the illusion was shattered by a lawsuit claiming

Money probably can buy you love, but can it buy justice? The answer, of course, depends on your definition of justice. If it means getting away with something, the answer is probably yes.

If you’ve been bar mitzvahed, should you get some respect? Why should you wait until you’re 14 before being addressed as “Mr.” or “Ms.”? I ask these questions because of an odd sentence that appeared last week in a ruling from a federal judge in Los Angeles: “Do not address witnesses over age 14 by their first names.” Thirteen-year-olds are fair game.

Hiring people is hard. No matter how good a prospect may look during an interview, your chances of hiring a dud are always going to be high.

If you have nothing better to do and/or you need some summertime reading, you might want to take a look at a Notice of Formal Charges issued the other day by the Florida Judicial Qualifications Commission. Feel free to base a novel on the many fascinating tidbits in the 150 pages of exhibits detailing the frantic life of a jurist who doesn’t quite seem to have his act together.

Do experienced lawyers work faster? Is the prosperity of society in jeopardy because of legal fees? Does it make more sense to buy an apartment in Bay Ridge or a house in Elmont?