Efficiency Guidelines

If you’ve been bar mitzvahed, should you get some respect? Why should you wait until you’re 14 before being addressed as “Mr.” or “Ms.”? I ask these questions because of an odd sentence that appeared last week in a ruling from a federal judge in Los Angeles: “Do not address witnesses over age 14 by their first names.” Thirteen-year-olds are fair game.

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How to Goof Off

If you have nothing better to do and/or you need some summertime reading, you might want to take a look at a Notice of Formal Charges issued the other day by the Florida Judicial Qualifications Commission. Feel free to base a novel on the many fascinating tidbits in the 150 pages of exhibits detailing the frantic life of a jurist who doesn’t quite seem to have his act together.

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Trapping Cougars

Here’s a weird fact: New Mexico is the only state that allows the recreational trapping and snaring of cougars. I have no idea why anyone would want to trap and snare a cougar for fun, but if that sounds like a good time to you in America, you’ll have to travel to New Mexico.

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Flicking Cops

Never let it be said that I don’t appreciate police. I’m constantly finding things they do that impress me. Note this sentence from a Second Circuit ruling last week: “Officers are trained in the wrist-flick test at the Police Academy, and each of the officers involved in the events giving rise to this case received this training.”

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Know Something

I have a solution for the gerrymandering problem: Stop drawing lines! Of any kind. You know I’m right. None of the political lines we have now make any kind of sense. All you have to do is look at New York and Connecticut sitting right next to each other and getting the same number of U. S. senators.

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Cops on Bikes

I love it when something completely weird suddenly appears in the middle of an otherwise serious document. This is from a federal court ruling in Florida last week: “While walking to the car, one of the officers mocked plaintiff, saying, ‘You have lipstick on you sir, you have lipstick on you sir, now you need heels, now you need heels.’”

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Better Questions

We, as a country, need to work harder on our conspiracy theories. It takes a lot of imagination and a very straight face to come up with good explanations for stuff we know nothing about and I sometimes think America’s pundits are getting lazy. Their ideas are losing their entertainment value.

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