Survival at Home

The corona virus is a serious thing and I won’t make light of it, but dwelling on doom and gloom doesn’t help. Depression is bad for you and, if you’re like me, it’s easy to start imagining symptoms. Nothing good will happen if we’re all in a black hole.

If you’re stuck at home because you’re sick or your workplace has shut down, you need to find diversions to keep your spirits up (not to mention your resistance to illness). Hopelessness should not be an option.

Fortunately, I have some experience at being stuck at home pretending to be working. There are ways to get through this.

Normally, I’d recommend orgies for people with a lot of spare time, but I know many of you are family people and/or don’t have anyone handy to debauch. For the few of you who can do this, be sure to have a substantial supply of sanitizer and wipes on hand.

Planking. Many of you have enjoyed planking outdoors but you probably haven’t tried it at home. Consider the intriguing possibilities: the dining room table, credenzas, bathtubs, bookcases, washing machines. This will stimulate your creativity and entertain your family (who will be laughing at you).

Beds and couches don’t count unless you can convince everyone you’re not being lazy.

Make a point of noticing things. Have you ever noticed that dogs don’t use toilet paper? Have you ever noticed how many staplers there are around the house? Have you noticed that the dishes need to be washed? You can make many astonishing discoveries.

Create an imaginary friend. If you’re not alone at home, create a consensus imaginary human or alien that everyone can talk to. The co-imagined adventures of the friend can make for real drama.

An imaginary friend is particularly helpful when you’re mad at the real people there. It gives you someone who can relay messages.

Go on a treasure hunt. You already know there are untold riches beneath couch cushions, but when was the last time your explored beneath your bed? You’ll be amazed at what you can find in the back of your cupboards and refrigerators. Some of your discoveries may be alive.

If there are loose floorboards or odd wall cracks in your house, open them up. There may be gold or there may be bodies. It’s exciting either way.

Have conversations with your dog or cat. Most of them are good boys or girls and they can be very sympathetic. Check in with your mental health professional, however, if pets talk back to you.

Do not do chores you’ve been claiming you’ll get to forever. This will only make your confinement tedious. Instead, exercise your creativity by inventing excuses for not doing those chores. It will be much more satisfying.

Redecorate. There’s no reason your home has to look the same day in and day out. Swap paintings and pictures on the walls, repaint, move furniture. Go online and order exotic works of art and then write scathing reviews after you look at them. You can do this every day.

Look on the bright side.

If you’re sports-deprived, you can watch reruns of games you’ve seen before and amaze your family with predictions.

If you’re a member of the Deep State, the plot is working! The virus has made the president look bad. It can be turned off after the election.

And we’re finally doing something about climate change. Cutbacks on travel are reducing carbon emissions and people at home now have time to plant trees.

Stay safe, everyone.

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