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Wednesday, July 17, 2024 | Back issues
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Study Hall

Apparently some people do read the articles.

Imagine my astonishment when I read this sentence in a U. S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit ruling called Fantasyland v. County of San Diego: "Rampant masturbation at a commercial property open to the public may rationally trigger sanitation concerns and impair the right of other patrons to view their materials or read the accompanying articles in peace."

People do need to be able to concentrate on their pornography.

Really. I'm not taking this out of context - go read the opinion yourself if you don't believe me. The judges said that the County could require that doors on peep show booths be left open - yes, open, not closed - so that guys in porn shops could concentrate on reading articles.

Personally, if I were concentrating on an article about, say, the economic crisis in central Africa and its impact on tribal warfare, I'd rather have the peep show doors closed. But that's just me. Maybe other people focus better with an occasional peep at their surroundings.

Now try to get the vision of rampant masturbation out of your mind.

JUDGING JUDGES. How do you know if your judge is senile?

Some of you may simply take senility for granted, but it could have a significant impact on your litigation. The number of judicially-imposed bathroom breaks, for example, could seriously mess up the presentation of your case.

I got to thinking about this the other day after spotting a complaint filed in Los Angeles Superior Court that asked that an injunction be overturned because the judge who issued it had Alzheimer's Disease.

This judge has since been removed from the bench, but he was still on it for this particular case and the issue, apparently, boils down to just exactly when the Alzheimer's kicked in.

Was he sick or was he being his normal self?

So I've done some research on the topic of judicial incapacity. Here are the top 10 signs that your trial judge requires medical care:

10. He shows up in court wearing the pink robe.

9. She keeps telling you that Matlock never made that kind of objection.

8. He makes a critical ruling after using the words "eeny, meeny, miny, moe."

7. She bets you that the Dodgers will win the World Series.

6. He requires everyone to take a two o'clock nap.

5. She asks you if your firm is hiring.

4. He insists on being called "the Dungeon Master."

3. She orders you and opposing counsel to stop fighting and kiss in front of the jury.

2. He instructs the jury to vote one member out.

1. She brings a copy of Playgirl to court and reads the articles.

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