Stop complaining

Stop complaining about the ballroom!

Stop complaining about the giant arch!

Stop griping about the Kennedy/Trump Center, the airport, the money signature, the coin, the gold trim, the golf trips, the passport picture, the pricey immigration passes.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

I know I sound hysterical — maybe a little unhinged — but there’s good reason for this.

The only way to stop President Donald Trump from doing more damage to the world — starting wars, building prison camps, ruining the environment, gutting scientific research — is to give him other things to do.

The man is old, easily distracted, demented, and he likes shiny things. We need to flood the zone with harmless presidential obsessions to keep him from doing real harm.

If the man is busy designing a luxury resort hotel on the White House lawn, he can’t be bombing a new country. It’s a simple matter of time management.

So we need as many trivial projects and/or annoyances for the president as we can manufacture. All of you reading this need to slam social media with suggestions and support. If you can afford it, buy ads on Fox News so you’ll be sure he sees his new fixations.

You can come up with your own presidential projects, but you can also promote one of my suggestions:

Donald Quixote. The president famously hates windmills. No one seems to know why this is so. Was he hit on the head by a windmill blade when he was a child? Does he hate having to put on sweaters? Does he believe windmills are enchanted monsters?

It doesn’t matter. What we need are as many windmills as possible to take advantage of this obsession. The president shouldn’t be able to travel anywhere without being confronted with one of these menaces.

It has to be an ongoing battle. Whenever a windmill project is stopped, another one must spring up in another part of the country.

If you can’t afford to build a windmill, just announce a new windmill project on Truth Social. It doesn’t matter if the windmill is real.

Donald Drag. Imagine the reaction to the announcement of the National Donna Trump Drag Queen Storytelling Tour. Get your progressive friends to have their children pose in photo sessions with motherly Queen Donna and her presidential storybook.

The pearl-clutching will be off the charts.

New Peace Prizes. We know how much the president covets awards — and hates it when somebody else gets a prize he wants. Imagine the ranting if a slew of trophies are awarded to Joe Biden instead of Donald Trump.

We don’t have to convince the Nobel people to honor Biden — made-up honors will do just as well. For every FIFA Peace Prize there needs to be a World Cricket Association Man of the Year Award for Biden. (It also doesn’t matter if there is a World Cricket Association).

A magazine must call Joe Biden the sexiest man alive.

Emergency Vaccine Research. You may be thinking that the president isn’t interested in the health of the country and that this administration hates vaccines. You’re right, of course, but there is one dread disease that occupies White House attention: Trump Derangement Syndrome.

Someone needs to dramatically announce that blue states are blocking critical research into a vaccine for TDS while outbreaks are mounting.

The federal government will step in. There will be litigation.

Actors should be employed to portray TDS victims who can appear with the president to plead for help.

The Kimmel Network. An entire streaming channel must be devoted to Jimmy Kimmel monologues. Ads for it should appear on Fox and NewsMax.

The president won’t be able to tear himself away.

Epstein Mania. Everyone in the country and perhaps overseas with an Epstein last name (or even first name) must immediately announce the pending release of all files in their possession.

The entire government will be deployed to prevent this from happening.