Steel Cage, Anyone?

     Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
     I’m not easily impressed, but the Wisconsin Supreme Court has earned my deep respect. The justices there may have found a great way to raise money for the court system: a major pay-per-view event.
     In case you missed the news coverage last week, a 60-year-old female liberal Wisconsin Supreme Court justice claims that a 68-year-old male conservative Wisconsin Supreme Court justice put her in a chokehold.
     And, as one news story described them, both justices are of “slight stature.”
     Relax, close your eyes, and picture the scene. (Continued…)

     The alleged attacker denies that it happened and the other justices – who were apparently with them in the same room – aren’t talking. They’re either scared they’ll be next to be choked or they were all napping. Old people tend to be tired and scared.
     Or they could just be darn crafty.
     After all, wouldn’t you pay to see a good old-fashioned grudge match between these justices?
     To do this right, the animosity has to build each week up until the pay-per-view event. What we need to see next week is the liberal stealing the conservative’s robe while he’s in the bathroom and then taunting him when he comes out.
     Week three should be an ambush of another liberal court member by a gang of conservatives who steal his sandwiches.
     Week four is a standoff. The conservatives try to attack as a group but the liberals protect themselves with steel chairs. The conservatives run off through the audience, seemingly beaten, until we see on the video monitors that they’ve run over the liberals’ cars with a bulldozer.
     What they haven’t realized at that point is that the liberals, left alone in the courtroom, have burned a month’s worth of rulings and are signing writs to review death penalty cases.
     Do you want to see that pay-per-view now?
     I thought so. This could pay for new courthouses throughout the state.
     JOB NON-MARKET. Could the law market be getting even gluttier?
     I don’t know the answer but I really wanted to say “gluttier.” I may be getting the red squiggly line as I type it, but I think it’s a cool word.
     Anyway, it seems that I’ve been hearing about how there are too many lawyers for decades now. You’d think someone would notice this before going to law school.
     And yet another study – this time from something called Economic Modeling Specialists, Inc. – shows that a lot of law school grads may not be able to get jobs. It seems there are about twice as many new lawyers as there are new law jobs.
     How did this happen?
     Why would someone smart enough to get through law school be dumb enough to go through law school?
     The answer must lie in the psychology of the English major. English majors, of course, have no hope of getting jobs reading novels, yet they continue to study English.
     The conventional explanation for this phenomenon is that these people simply love their subject. They gain enlightenment and satisfaction in their lives while scouring the want-ads for temp jobs.
     But how would that explain learning torts and contracts? No one feels enlightened and satisfied after contemplating the Rule Against Perpetuities and covenants running with the land.
     Legal and English addiction is the only logical explanation. These are addicts who need our compassion and support.
     Speak to your children about the temptations and hideous consequences of law and English before it’s too late.

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