Star Attraction

     Why wouldn’t you want a beer pong champion in your law firm?
     Not every law firm employs a celebrity. If you have a celebrity on your team — particularly one who can do things very few others can — don’t you think you’ll draw in more clients?
     If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you obviously missed the Courthouse News in-depth coverage of a lawsuit filed by two guys who thought they were starring in a beer commercial meant only for Danish eyes.
     The commercial got a sizable non-Danish following when it got picked up by the producers of the World’s Funniest Commercials series on Turner Broadcasting.
     One of the plaintiffs, according to the Los Angeles Superior Court suit, was a law student when the commercial was shot in 2007 and he took the job in reliance on the fact that it was only going to be seen in Denmark — “on the theory that potential law firms, and his conservative grandparents, would be none the wiser.”
     OK, the grandparents I can sort of understand, but why hide this from employers?
     Pretend you’re Lindsay Lohan. (Go on, do it. You know you want to.) You get into trouble and you need to pick out a law firm to help you out. Do you go to a bunch of guys in suits or long skirts or do you pick the firm with the beer pong trick shot artist?
     See what I mean? The celebrities will be asking for his autograph. They’ll bond. They may even go out drinking and find scads of other potential clients.
     And the office parties will be so much more fun.
     The jobs offers are going to be pouring in.

     99 CENTS NOT ONLY. I can understand penny-pinching, but fraction-of-a-penny-pinching?
     OK, if pennies can mount up, so can fractions of pennies – but, boy, there’s a lot of mounting to be done.
     That was just one of my thoughts (and I have so many running free in my brain) after seeing a couple of proposed class actions filed recently against the 99¢ Only Stores for, allegedly, secretly increasing its prices to 99.99¢.
     Imagine the customer outrage.
     As I’ve said before – just last week, I think – where do they get these class action plaintiffs?
     Picture yourself buying a large sponge (perhaps wearing pants that are square) in a 99¢ Only store and discovering that it really cost 99.99¢. Is your first inclination to run out and hire a lawyer?
     Is your last inclination to run out and hire a lawyer?
     Do people who shop at 99¢ Only Stores hire lawyers?
     I’ve said this so many times before that you should be bored (assuming you’ve read everything I’ve written – an assumption that means you’re insane): it just seems that lawyers on both sides in class litigation usually get a whole lot more than their clients.
     This is a textbook example. In fact, I encourage people who write textbooks to follow the progress of this litigation. There should be a textbook on it.
     If there’s a settlement or judgment, you know the plaintiff lawyers are going to ask for a percentage of millions of dollars – those fractional pennies do mount up. But what are members of the plaintiff class going to get?
     Fractional pennies?
     How much paperwork will they have to go through to get their fractional pennies?
     How will they prove their losses?
     Will the winning plaintiffs actually suffer a net loss after spending money on postage to submit claims?
     This is going to be soooo much fun.

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