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Speedy Process of Law

October 9, 2020

A guy who's been around the block offers his take on how drugs might have factored into the debate. After all, no one accuses another person of a crime with which the accuser is unfamiliar.

Robert Kahn

By Robert Kahn

Deputy editor emeritus, Courthouse News

No one accuses another person of a crime with which the accuser is unfamiliar. An embezzler knows what embezzlement is. A tax cheater knows what taxes are. That’s why I believe that don the john Drumpf was under the influence of amphetamines in the first presidential debate.

The week before that fiasco, after Joe Biden had comported himself credibly at a public event, Drumpf said: “I think he should take a drug test.”

Asked if he believed Biden was taking drugs to “pep him up,” Drumpf responded: “I do. He’s taking something … that gives him some clarity.”

Now, why would the last person in the world you would ask about clarity say such a thing, unless drugs were on his mind? Specifically meth and its legal analogues.

I think Biden should take him up on it.

“OK, little hands donny Drumpf,” Biden should say, “You go first. Let two unbiased observers watch while a doctor holds your little piece of junk and points it, to help you hit the beaker. Then you can pay her $130,000 and write it off as a business expense.”

Watch clips from that Sept. 28 shitshow again, if you can stomach it. Then tell me that don the john was not hopped up on speed.

I know a bit about drugs. I used to be a jazz musician.

I’ve taken every drug y’all can name, and some others, and I’ll tell you right now, as will most drug abuse counselors: the worst drug of all is speed — methamphetamines.

I took speed once, by mouth, when I was in high school. It gave me a great high, and I knew at once that it could kill me. Never took it again, but I’ve seen what it does to people since then. It’s the worst. Speed is worse and more dangerous than heroin.

little don the john has a reputation for never smoking or drinking. He rejects the common man’s anodynes. I’m telling you, he was hopped up on speed. Or one of its legal analogues.

For a short-term boost, a little meth might bump your score up a few points on the SATs, but a little more meth will leave your mind scrambled, barely coherent, paranoid … up late, and early, scribbling barely intelligible attacks upon enemies, real or imagined … Covfefe.

I rest my case.

Now, about this “illegal voting.” First, Drumpf says that mail-in ballots are inherently fraudulent — that they should not be allowed. Though he does it.

Then at the shitshow — excuse me, I mean the presidential debate — he told his white racist bully boys: “I’m urging my supporters to go in to the polls and watch very carefully, because that’s what has to happen. I am urging them to do it.”

So, vote fraud occurs with in-person voting too?

It’s like he doesn’t want people to vote at all.

And what are his brownshirts to “watch very carefully” for, as people vote in person?

Black poll officials whacking white suburban grandmas over the head, swiping their ballots, scribbling “Democrat Party” on them and tossing the corpses into the Dumpster out back?

“Stand back and stand by” — Drumpf’s explicit message to his neo-Nazi supporters — is a clear call to violence on Election Day. Selective violence.

How many of Drumpf’s supporters will be sent “to go in to the polls and watch very carefully” in wealthy white suburbs, compared with the number of storm troopers he sends into “Democrat cities”?

As I said, no one accuses someone else of a crime with which the accuser is unfamiliar.

Drumpf says the “Democrat cities” are trying to steal the election.

Where did he get that idea, do you suppose?

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