Small victory

Size doesn’t matter.

Well, it does, but not in every context. Small law firms should be pleased that the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals can recognize irony and rectify it.

A Ninth panel last week reversed a lower court ruling that said a small law firm shouldn’t be paid as much as a Big Law firm. The ruling came in a case in which a bunch of small wholesalers sued the manufacturers of Clear Eyes Redness Relief Eye Drops for charging them more than they charged big companies.

The small wholesalers won against the big companies but their lawyers lost against big law firms — the judge said, “it is simply unreasonable to award big law rates to a four-person firm representing mom-and-pop warehouses.”

The four lawyers had just beaten a law firm that, according to its website, has “more than 900 attorneys in offices across the United States and internationally.”

I’m guessing the losing lawyers got their big law rates.

The little guys won again on appeal: “First-rate attorneys who prevail in litigation are entitled to receive fees commensurate with their skill, experience and reputation, even if their clients are mom-and-pop businesses that don’t have Fortune 500 budgets to hire big law firms to represent them.”

I know what you’re thinking (yes, I’m psychic). That trial judge must have worked for a big firm and he’s probably a Republican too.

Nope. He was at a small firm and got appointed by Barack Obama.

Never expect life to make sense.

Chatty bot?

Have you ever wondered why God hasn’t spoken to you?

Well, now God will, for only $39.99 plus service and handling.

OK, it’s not really God but it is a selection of their greatest hits to suit your mood. I know about this because I have a strange schedule and I often find myself at the gym in the middle of the night watching Family Feud.

Steve Harvey is the best.

The other delight you get from watching midnight cable TV is the very weird commercials. I saw what — to me, anyway — was the weirdest yet last week: an ad for “My Mood Bible.”

My Mood Bible consists of a small barrel-shaped speaker adorned with a cross and a circle of color-coded buttons on the top. Each button represents a mood: happy, thankful, angry, lonely, sad and anxious.

For some reason, they left out horny and drunk.

If you pick one of the mood options, you get a Bible verse that presumably speaks to your feelings.

“Faith at the push of a button,” the Mood Bible website declares. “It’s that simple — faith made instant, powerful, and personal.”

OK, I can see how this could work for people who are into that sort of thing. It seems like it would annoy the heck out of me if I were in a bad mood, but I’m a horrible cynic.

I do think, though, that this device is a wonderful idea that could be put to use for all sorts of people, not just Bible fans. There just need to be more options.

For example, a My Mood Harry Potter.

Anxiety: “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

Or a My Mood Hillybilly Elegy.

Angry: “Pajamas? Poor people don’t wear pajamas. We fall asleep in our underwear or blue jeans.”

Or a My Mood Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

Happy: “First-rate attorneys who prevail in litigation are entitled to receive fees commensurate with their skill, experience, and reputation …”

There are so many My Mood possibilities for every type of person. Someone please get to work making these things.