Sharp Security

     Paranoia runs deep.
     As I’ve mentioned before, I keep running into odd things at courthouse security checkpoints. The latest example: a guard at the courthouse in Pasadena insisted that I take off my belt and put it on the conveyor for the X-ray machine (or whatever that thing is; for all I know, it’s giving my wallet an MRI).
     I pointed out, as I often do at courthouses, that my belt never sets off metal detector alarms.
     The guard this time insisted because he’d been ordered to do so.
     Why?
     Because, he said, I could have sewn razor blades into my belt.
     I was tempted to ask why a belt-covered razor blade would show up in an X-ray but not set off the metal detector, but I’ve learned it’s best not to question the paranoid (or, for that matter, anyone wearing a uniform and carrying a weapon). You never get a productive discussion.
     But it did make me wonder.
     Have they found razor blades sewn into belts?
     What sort of artsy-craftsy terrorist would take to the time to do that kind of work? A “Project Runway” loser driven mad by the pressure?
     And what would you do once you got the razor blades into the courthouse?
     First you’ve got to get the blades out of the belt – something you’d probably need a knife or a razor blade for.
     And then, after all that work, you’ve got a razor blade for a weapon!
     En garde!
     OK, you can do some damage with a razor blade, but my money is on the bailiffs.
     One other point: If they’re checking belts, wouldn’t the terrorists start sewing their razor blades into, say, underwear?
     Naked justice is in our future.
     
     MEMORIAL. Most of us want to be remembered after we die, but, alas, not all of us are memorable.
     In fact, apparently some of us are really forgettable.
     The following are just a few passages from a complaint filed in Los Angeles Superior Court last week:
     “Instead of cremating decedent’s remains … defendants switched decedent’s body with that of another deceased individual. …
     “Defendants then displayed decedent in an open casket at the other deceased individual’s funeral …
     “Defendant convinced the other deceased individual’s family that decedent was in fact their deceased mother, even though their mother was only 51 years old and decedent was 91 years old.”
     They probably figured death didn’t agree with her.
     
     FUN FACT. You’d think some things would go without saying, but lawyers like to say them anyway.
     This is from a Los Angeles Superior Court complaint filed last week:
     “Unlike fish which use gills to absorb oxygen through water, human beings absorb oxygen through their lungs and cannot absorb oxygen into their blood stream through the ingestion of water or other liquids.”
     I might have relied on judicial notice for that.
     
     MODERN LIFE. You’re not safe anywhere.
     This is from a federal complaint filed in Los Angeles last week:
     “Defendants made numerous material omissions. … Among these omissions was the failure to inform purchasers and consumers about the possibility that the Flushmate System may develop leaks, that the welded joints may separate in the vessels, and that the toilet might explode.”
     I’m picturing mourners at a funeral desperately trying to keep a straight face.

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