Sex, Sex, Sex!

     Let’s talk about politics.
     By which I mean sex.*
     Oh yeah, and God.*
     * (U.S. edition only.)
     Why is it that when a Democrat is caught having sex with someone he’s not married to, or someone he married in Massachusetts, Republicans invoke the God of the Old Testament: the vengeful, pitiless Dude who slays entire kingdoms and demands sacrifice of first-borns?
     But when a Republican is caught having sex with a girl, or a boy, or with a cop in a public restroom, Republicans are all into the New Testament Dude who forgives everything and even hangs around with prostitutes?
     Just asking.
     I did not make up that observation myself. My friend John Harris sent it to me in an email. John is a lawyer. So if you are a professional comedian and you came up with that line first, and protected it by copyright, don’t sue me. Sue John Harris. But remember, he’s a lawyer.
     It’s been a great month for Bible-thwacking politicians. First we get Senator John Ensign, R-Sodom, confessing to diddling a woman on his staff, who happens to be the wife of one of his best friends – also on his staff – and saying the only reason he’s bringing it up is because the friend he cuckolded may try to blackmail him.
     Guess which God Senator Ensign is into these days: Old Testament or New Testament?
     Ensign barely had time to fulfill Andy Warhol’s dictum: “In the future, we’ll all have to grovel for 15 minutes,” when Governor Mark Sanford relieved him of his duties. Sanford, R-Gomorrah, then told us more than we want to know about the Instructions for Being a Self-Righteous Republican Officeholder (“Tuck Tab A in Slot B”) and this went on for considerably longer than 15 minutes.
     Even Sanford’s fellow Republicans think something has to be done about this guy, because he seems to enjoy groveling, and groveling is not in the Republican Party platform. It’s the Democrats’ platform.
     How can we get Sanford off the front page?, the Republicans asked, scratching one another’s heads in public restrooms.
     Wait! I have it!
     Sarah Palin resigns.
     The winsome lass told an adoring public, in that pithy style we have come to love, so long as we bring our hip waders, that she is quitting a year and a half before her term ends so she can “effect positive change outside government at this moment in time on another scale and actually make a difference for our priorities.”
     By working “outside government,” Palin means “to raise money so I can run for president.”
     Wait. It gets better. Palin said she is quitting so she can “take a stand and effect change, not just hit our head against the wall and watch valuable state time and money, millions of your dollars, go down the drain.”
     Let’s get this straight. Governor Palin says millions of state dollars – taxpayers’ dollars – are going down the drain. So she quit because she can’t stand to see it.
     That woman ain’t cut out for politics.
     “A problem in our country today is apathy,” Palin said as she quit.
     Think about that one.
     “I choose to work very hard on a path for fruitfulness and productivity,” Palin said as she prepared to stop working. “I choose not to tear down and waste precious time, but to build up this state and our country, and her industrious, generous, patriotic free people.”
     If I could waste some of your precious time, let me tear down a bit more of this self-righteous incoherence. “Many people just accept that lame duck status and they hit that road,” Palin said. “They draw a paycheck. They kind of milk it. And I’m not going to put Alaskans through that.”
     My goodness. One scarcely knows where to begin.
     First off, Palin is not a lame duck. To be a lame duck one needs to serve out one’s term.
     Second, an elected official who serves out her term is not milking it for a paycheck. She is doing her job.
     Third, a governor who serves out her term is not “hitting that road.” Palin is hitting that road.
     The only thing clear from this pathetic drivel is that Palin is quitting her job to do what she wants, when she wants to do it, and all the while she is desperately trying to appear more virtuous than … someone.
     Palin spouted all of this nonsense on the 3rd of July.
     Her resignation statement was, rhetorically, a few notches below another famous political statement, which came out on the 4th of July, something about: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are … oh, to hell with it.”

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