Sex by the Numbers

     I don’t know about you, but I’m alarmed by statistics released by the World Health Organization, a branch of the United Nations.
     In the course of compiling data for a world population survey, the United Nations found that human beings on planet Earth have sexual relations about 100 million times a day.
     There are 84,600 seconds in a day. If the United Nations is right, then every second, 1,182 people are having sex – assuming that sexual relations among humans lasts for one second.
     I don’t know about you, but I’d say that’s a conservative estimate.
     In my house, sexual relations last a bit longer than that – four to six to hours, usually. I assume that’s average. So, calculating the average human sex act at three hours long, we see that every second, 12.5 million human beings are having sex.
     This means that … wait a minute … hold on …
     The United Nations has just informed me that the average human sexual conjugation takes about 12 minutes.
     OK, then, so every second 833,334 wimps are having sex, somewhere on the planet.
     About 300 million people live in the United States – one twenty-third of the world population of 7 billion. Based on U.N. estimates, and an average of 12 minutes per sex act, we see that 36,232 minus one people in the United States are having sex every time you do.
     No wonder it’s so noisy around here.
     Let’s assume that for an average shmo, an orgasm lasts for 5 seconds. In my own case, it goes on for about 45 minutes. That’s why I’m so trembly and disoriented most of the time.
     But based on an average orgasm of a pitiful 5 seconds, with an average sex act of 12 minutes, we see that every second in the United States, 252 people, times two, are beginning to have an orgasm.
     This does not include the time spent on the mandatory prayer.
     Multiply our figure by 5 seconds per orgasm, we have 1,260 people in an orgasmic state every second in the United States.
     We cannot multiply that by two – much as we would like to – because that would assume that everyone who has an orgasm in the United States does so as one with his or her partner. But years of patient, painstaking research have convinced me that this happens only in some very inexpensively produced movies, with poor production values. So let’s say that one-third of the women fake it.
     That gives us 1,050 people entering an orgasm every second in the United States, and 210 of them faking it. Multiply by 5 seconds, and we see – or can imagine – 6,300 people at some stage of an orgasm, or at least in the spirit of it, every second in the United States, day and night, night and day (D minor chord with a flatted fifth goes here).
     Think about that: 6,239 Americans are having an orgasm every time you do – or 6,238 if someone around you is faking it. Divide your 5 seconds into 12 minutes, and you will see that 898,272 Americans are at some stage of the sex act every time you are. And that’s not counting Clarence Thomas, who skews our results, so we left him out of it.
     I don’t know about you, but I like to check out the back of my eyelids for about 15 minutes after each experiment. I never see anything there, though last Friday I dreamed I was drinking blue paint in a jet plane flying low over a dark forest.
     But I wouldn’t call those 15 minutes wasted, or lost, or unproductive. Let’s call them “down time.”
     All right then. Assuming you’re like me (which God forbid), then not only are 6,299 U.S. citizens having an orgasm with you every dang time, and not only are 36,231 other people at some stage of the sex act, but based on an average recovery time of 15 minutes, we see that 83,520 Americans are debilitated at any given moment because of sex.
     Let me state this clearly: At every moment, the number of Americans who are debilitated by sex is roughly equal to the population of Wichita Falls. That’s not counting the people who wish they were debilitated by sex, but have been unable to become so, which means, between you and me, that these people are probably more debilitated than the rest of us.
     What’s the lesson to be learned from all this? Aside that it’s not a good idea to give me access to the Internet?
     I’m not sure what the lesson is. I guess it means that the only people who ever get any work done are the ones who have sex in about one second.
     Scientists call this the control group.

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