Secretary of Humor

     One day when my buddy Ralph and I were teaching high school on the South Side of Chicago, a couple of drunk Nazis wormed their way onto campus and tried to talk to students.
     They were thrown out of one class after another, until Ralph told them, “Sure, you can talk” to his history class.
     Then Ralph needled them mercilessly, holding them in there long enough for the cops to come arrest them.
     Ralph asked how they knew they weren’t Jewish.
     He said they looked Jewish.
     He asked how they knew their mom hadn’t done it with a Jew. Maybe their dads were Jewish but they didn’t know it, he said.
     And so on.
     The reason I bring this up is that it would be a better foreign policy than the United States has come up with since Ralph invented it in 1978.
     Not that we should make fun of Jews and Nazis. That’s so ’40s.
     But when people, or countries, act like morons, our diplomats and lawmakers should make fun of them until we enrage them so much they do something stupid.
     Then our cops or Army can arrest them.
     That’s what Osama bin Laden did. He got the United States pissed off, and George W. Bush and Congress did something stupid. It’s cost us trillions of dollars and thousands of lives and we still don’t know how to deal with bin Laden.
     We should hire Robin Williams to make jokes about him.
     Really nasty jokes – dirty jokes.
     Then we should translate the jokes into Pushtu and beam them 168 hours a week into Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iraq.
     We should do the same thing to Moishe Ahmadinejad – excuse me, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – in Iran.
     The point is not just to tell dirty jokes about bin Laden and Ahmadinejad – though that would be fun. It’s to make them so pissed off that they do something stupid.
     Just like we did.
     You can’t tell me that if we broadcast jokes around the clock into every cave in Central Asia, yukking it up about bin Laden’s 10-year-old boyfriends and his withered old dinky penis, that that crank won’t lose his temper and do something stupid.
     While we’re at it, to be even-handed, we could make jokes about Benjamin Netanyahu goose-stepping around condos in East Jerusalem. That would get his attention better than our sniveling and whining seems to have done.
     And Ahmadinejad – are you kidding? The only smart thing the United States has done with him is when the president of Columbia University invited him to campus to speak, and the Columbia students made fun of the pathetic little creep to his face.
     I’m all for diplomacy instead of war, but the United States is far too tolerant of idiots, at home and abroad.
     Take suicide bombing. The New York Times and a host of other literate morons have carried one grave article after another, quoting experts on “both sides of the issue.” The professors and foreign policy experts and religious “scholars” solemnly deliberate whether it’s moral for a Muslim to strap bombs onto himself and blow up a bunch of people while he kills himself.
     Isn’t it obvious that anyone who suggests that such a thing is moral is a cretin, and is not worth giving the time of day to, much less “debating”?
     Not that I want to single out Muslim idiots from Christian idiots. Like those despicable Baptists from Kansas who hold insulting signs at funerals of U.S. veterans who died in Iraq. According to the Baptist morons, our young men and women are dying because America doesn’t hate homosexuals as much as they do.
     The people from Westboro Baptist Church are not Christians at all; they’re perverts. They are far more perverted than any so-called sinners they want us to hate, with that good old Christian hatred.
     There’s nothing you can do with people like that but make fun of them, and wait for them to die.
     I’ve had it with idiots. Idiots to the left of us, idiots to the right of us, volleyed and thundered.
     It’s not “fair reporting” to report the views of idiots, particularly murderous idiots, and idiots consumed with hatred.
     Enough’s enough. We need a Secretary of Humor. I suggest Robin Williams. He’d do a lot more good making jokes for the government than starring in another one of his lousy movies.

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