Science!

A noted public figure recently suggested that massively destructive hurricanes can be aborted by attacking them with nuclear weapons. This, of course, is ridiculous — we can’t afford to repeatedly create new bombs and, even if we could, there’s a limit on the world’s supply of radioactive material. What happens when we run out?

What we need are practical solutions to the many environmental problems we face today. Fortunately, there are many renewable options that we need to seriously consider.

On the hurricane front, the obvious solution is an armada of vacuum cleaners. With minimal maintenance, machines that suck up potentially deadly wind can be used over and over again. The captured wind can then be used to power electric grids around the world. Instead of destructive hurricanes, the power of nature can be used to end the bird-killing, noisemaking scourge of windmills worldwide.

Encroachment of the ocean on coastlines and island countries can be prevented in several ways. There is inspiration in bathtubs. Soak in one and contemplate the salvation of mankind.

Consider how you escape the tub. Yes, you could simply step out but, then, Godzilla-like, you risk splashing and flooding the bathroom floor. The solution is pulling the plug. The water gently drains away and the restroom is saved.

This technique can be easily implemented in our seas. We already have oil derricks sucking up the planet’s innards. If we just drill a little deeper, ocean water, bowing to the irresistible attraction of gravity, will pour down the drains and leave our lands dry and safe.

You may object that all this ocean water must go somewhere. Of course it does — it flows down to the center of the earth where it meets magma of unimaginable temperature. (Yes, we could imagine the temperature by measuring it, but there’s no need to be so precise.)

You can see what happens then. At least you can see it in your mind because you shouldn’t go down there. What happens is that the water turns to steam that then can be piped to the surface to power our vehicles and robots. It’s the dream of every geothermal scientist (if there is such a profession).

The other ocean option is diversion. We do it with rivers and canals, so why not oceans? We can dig conduits from our coastlines, directing the flow of water to designated safe areas such as the Grand Canyon and Death Valley. Valuable coastal property is saved and we have instant inland tourist attractions. We’ll have inland ocean fishing and salt mining.

Food production to support an ever-increasing human population can be solved easily with larger crops and smaller people. If we can inflate pigs and turkeys and grow Brobdingnagian pumpkins for our state fairs, we can do the same for all our crops with the right kind of care, hormones, and a dash of radiation. There’s no reason why a single potato can’t feed a family of six for a week.

A single cow, with the right treatment, could satisfy an entire metropolis. We can’t limit ourselves. There’s no need to worry about methane production either. Feed can be treated with Beano. It’s a mystery why that’s not being done now.

At the same time, if we shrink the size of people with selective breeding (and perhaps a dash of radiation), we can save a tremendous amount of resources. Imagine what the clown car act of the future could look like.

There’s no need to despair about the future. We can accomplish anything we want if we don’t let a scientist tell us we can’t.

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