Schools of Lawyers

Yikes!

Imagine my terror last month when innocently walking the streets of downtown Chicago and coming upon packs of uniformed, numbered lawyers.

There I was - in Chicago for just a couple of days - and I was being swarmed by lawyers.

Thousands of lawyers (really, thousands) in the parkland near the lake shore in running shorts and law firm themed t-shirts. They appeared in schools - a lot like mackerel - in bursts of matching colors.

And most of them looked pretty determined.

I wasn't sure whether to flee or pretend to be seaweed.

As it turned out, they weren't interested in feeding. They were there for a charity 5K race and t-shirt contest called Race Judicata. Considering how hot and humid it was, this was a pretty amazing turnout for a mob of lawyers.

The 2010 prize-winning t-shirt

Maybe I've missed something (which I often do), but I don't think Los Angeles (and a lot of other places) has an event like this. At least not one that attracts hordes of scantily-clad, sweaty lawyers.

It got me to thinking (and you know how dangerous that is). What would be the perfect competitive charity event for Southern California lawyers?

Some possibilities:

PAPARAZZI STALKING. Assign a high-profile celebrity to each competing law firm. When a crowd of photographers and scandal-mongers converges on the celebrity, it will be the job of the lawyer competitors to surround the paparazzi while shouting cease and desist demands and waving what appear to be restraining orders.

Picture the scene as your highly-amused celebrity sneaks away.

Points will be awarded for most journalists driven away and most pictures of law firm team members that appear in print or on the Internet. Implied romantic links to the celebrity are worth bonus points.

FIREFIGHTING. Southern California has its annual wildfire/neighborhood-destroying seasons, so why not take advantage of them for some friendly competition?

After all, lawyers are going to be showing up on the scene anyway. You might as well get a head start.

Firm teams will compete in damage mitigation (hosing stuff down), animal rescue (you're definitely getting clients if you've saved their kitty), and "FIRE!" shouting (to get the attention of real firefighters).

A post-event competition in which firm teams kibitz loudly while insurance adjusters assess damages should round out the festivities.

FILMMAKING. Lawyer teams will be given cameras and a film topic as the contest starts with just four hours to complete a movie project - and negotiate credits, profit participations, and the most effective means of avoiding payments to profit participants.

The results will be judged by a panel of film critics, a team of accountants, and a 12-person jury.

MORE HARASSMENT. And now another except from a request for an order to stop harassment:

How do you know the person? I purchased a house and he was living in an area similar to a garage space (but not an actual garage) hiding in rubble - on the property that I purchased.

This is why pre-sale inspection is so important.

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