Scenes We’d Like to See

     Despite Mark Twain’s warning that only kings, queens and people with tapeworms are allowed to use the royal We …
     We’d like to see Donald Trump dragged off a campaign stage at the San Diego Zoo and his penis fed to a newborn polar bear cub – who turns up his nose at it and asks for real meat.
     We’d like to see iPhonski shots of Trump nuzzling with Vladimir Putin in a clinch in a Trump Jet six miles over Kansas, comparing the size of their private bombers.
     We’d like to see radical jihadis escort Trump from a campaign stage in Miami, then release him – and a statement – that the Donald is helping their cause way more on the loose in the United States than he would in a dungeon built with Saudi oil money, no matter where we build it.
     We’d like to see the nation’s most powerful Republicans, starting with Mitch McConnell, feel something hot and unpleasant slither down their legs into their $400 loafers, and the expression on their faces when they admit where it came from.
     OK, so I stole my headline from the late, great Don Martin, longtime cartoonist for Mad Magazine. Martin did a series of brilliant “Scenes We’d Like to See” strips for Mad in the 1970s, based on the fairy tale “The Frog Prince.”
     One shows the princess sitting by a pond, longing for a frog to kiss and turn into a prince to whisk her away to happiness. As the princess yawns, a frog jumps into her mouth, and turns into a prince. The princess dies in the next frame, with the prince’s legs sticking out of her mouth.
     In another strip, the princess kisses the frog as he shins up a tree, and gets the prince’s bare butt in her face.
     In a third strip, the princess kisses the frog and turns him into a prince, and as they get married in the last frame, the prince’s frog wife steps into church to denounce him as an adulterer.
     In a fourth strip, the princess kisses the frog on the lips – and nothing happens. That one ends with the princess gargling with disinfectants in her bathroom.
     Have I made myself clear? Don’t you get it yet, Trump fans?
     Do we have to play this out to the end? It won’t be funny.
     We’d like to see the day when so-called liberals and young people vote in greater numbers than so-called conservatives and old people.
     We’d like to see the day when so-called Latinos and black people vote in greater numbers than white people do.
     If it’s true that “those people” are taking over our country, that’s fine with me: Go ahead. Take it over. See if you can do better than the white people did. It won’t be easy. I bet you could do it, though.
     We’d like to see 200 million Americans understand, and vote accordingly, that racism is not cool again just because white people call democracy “tyranny” or “political correctness,” or “they’re coming to take your guns,” or the old tried and false “states rights.”
     It’s just racism.
     Sorry, white folks: You’re losing this one. And you deserve to lose it. So get on the right side, white folks. Come on over here with me. Water’s fine. Jump in.
     I learned all I need to know about racism from my grandpa, who was born in Shreveport, Louisiana in 1896. When he was 12 years old my Opa went to Chicago to visit an uncle, and he stayed there because the schools were better in the North. He stayed there for the rest of his life.
     “Robert,” my grandpa told me as he lay dying, “this race business won’t be over until everyone’s married everyone else for so long that no one knows who anyone is anymore.”
     Amen, Opa.

%d bloggers like this: