Scandalous Mystery

     I had a different column written for your entertainment this week, but then David Petraeus resigned as director of the Central Intelligence Agency and, obviously, that required my insight.
     There are lessons to be learned here.
     And there’s got to be stuff we haven’t heard about yet.
     First the lessons:
     Beware of old guys going to the gym.
     One news report noted that the ex-general was “obsessed with physical fitness” and insisted on pineapple every night and banana on his cereal in the morning.
     Now Google “pineapple aphrodisiac.”
     How many of you think those exercise sessions were meant just to make the director feel good?
     If you spot your partner working out and regularly eating fruit, call in the FBI.
     Beware of old guys using the Internet.
     News reports notwithstanding, Petraeus didn’t resign because he had an affair.
     Petraeus resigned because he used the Internet.
     Really, he did.
     “After being married for over 37 years, I showed extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair,” is what Petraeus wrote when he resigned.
     So why didn’t he resign before the FBI found his emails? Wasn’t his judgment poor before that?
     Of course it wasn’t. No one has poor judgment before getting caught.
     It was using the Internet for mash notes that was the poor judgment.
     But perhaps admitting that would be too embarrassing.
     What haven’t we heard about yet?
     Well, I don’t know because we haven’t heard about it yet. But you must be wondering why someone would resign from an important job just for having an affair. Lots of people have affairs without losing their jobs.
     OK, if you’re the pope or a porn star, this might make sense. (Think about it – porn stars need to save their energy for their jobs.)
     One online poll I spotted the other day had 70 percent of respondents saying an affair shouldn’t have cost Petraeus his job.
     So the obvious conclusion is that there is some other reason for the resignation.
     The only speculation I’ve seen so far is that enemies of the state could have blackmailed Petraeus.
     This is nonsense – they could have blackmailed him before but not now. His wife already knows. There’s no leverage. He’s a better fit for the job now.
     In fact, all government officials should be openly cross-dressing bisexuals with insatiable appetites and maybe even a small drug habit. No one could compromise someone like that.
     I have a better, more logical explanation.
     David Petraeus was the head of the nation’s spy agency.
     And he couldn’t keep a secret.
     This is someone not fit for the job.
     Quote of the Week: Here’s yet another sentence we’re betting you never thought you’d find in a court ruling. This is from Dawson Farms v. Risk Management Agency , a ruling of the U. S. Court of Appeals for the 8th Circuit: “As courts of general jurisdiction, we are not trained to evaluate whether liquid flowing from a pile of stored potatoes is necessarily indicative of an amount of rot sufficient to qualify for coverage.”
     It’s hard to argue with that.
     We also learn in this split decision that there is such a thing as an “expert in potato pathology.”
     So if you find yourself at a root vegetable crime scene, you know who to call.

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