Sartorial Suicide

     Among the many mysteries of mankind, we are smack-dab in the middle of possibly the largest seen in the last one hundred years. Not UFOS, not the Bermuda Triangle, not even the mystery of why Tiger Woods sleeps (allegedly) with the ugliest women he can find.
     Two words: Ed Hardy.
     Why do people buy and wear this crap?
     For starters, the price alone is ridiculous. Sixty to $100 for a silk-screened t-shirt, $81 for mittens (that’s not a joke), $18 for a pair of socks. Over $200 for a hoodie. If you’re stupid enough to pay these kinds of prices for something that will be out of style faster than those old Generra heat-sensitive shirts from the early 1990s, good luck with that.
     More important than price, though, is just the out-and-out tool factor that comes with owning and wearing this type of clothing.
     We get it, you want to be edgy. You want to sport “vintage tattoo wear,” whatever that means. You want to display your cool factor to the opposite sex. You have less than 10 IQ points.
     For starters, where did the whole “I need to look different to be different” mentality come from? Sure, you might look different at the club on a Saturday night, but chances are pretty good you’ll look just like everyone else behind the counter at Jack in the Box on Monday morning, serving me food. Yeah, you might seem edgier with a black long-sleeved shirt covered in sparkles at the bar on Thursday at midnight, but you’ll look just like me in a coat and tie the next day, and chances are good to great you’ll be acting just like me as well.
     As for sporting “vintage tattoo wear,” why not just get tattoos and wear normal collared shirts? It’s more noticeable if you’re covered in ink wearing khaki pants and a pink Izod shirt than some long-sleeved shirt blaring cartoonish skulls and lame slogans like “Love Kills Slowly” (which is itself a horrible attempt at irony, something a seventh-grade girl scrawls in her notebook after getting dumped by her boyfriend of three days).
     If you’re into wasting money and looking like a mindless wannabe, you can festoon yourself with even more Ed Hardy gear and related paraphernalia. You can drink Ed Hardy vodka, smoke your American Spirits using an Ed Hardy disposable lighter, walk around in Ed Hardy canvas shoes, with your $18 socks, and your $37 Ed Hardy briefs, pay for it all with money from your Ed Hardy wallet, keep track of what time the club really starts happening with your $154 Ed Hardy watch, and even make your court appearance in an $88 Ed Hardy tie.
     I’m patiently waiting for the day to come when looking like the wallpaper of an Asian whorehouse vomited on your clothes becomes outdated. Until then, thanks Ed Hardy, you make it so much easier to spot the massive tools in our midst.

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