Quarantine Your Stuff

     Admiral Adama and the crew of the Galactica have it right – you need to stay away from the Internet.
     The only way to make sure that Cylons don’t learn everything you know and take control of your ship is to isolate your computers. Don’t let them communicate.
     This might seem obvious enough, but apparently it isn’t. In the past week, there have been news reports about U. S. senators claiming the Chinese invaded their computers and about a federal judge presiding over a pornography trial that posted some pornography on his website.
     These people are storing stuff they don’t want anyone to know about on the electronic equivalent of a freeway billboard – anyone with a car can drive by and take a look.
     OK, these people who got caught with their electronic pants down were dumb, but both news stories present some fascinating issues.
     For example, what constitutes bias? Is anyone unbiased?
     Consider the federal judge who posted some strange, arguably pornographic pictures on his website without worrying about whether anyone would look at the site. If he’d just stored the goofy pictures in his computer, no one would have known and the pornography trial would have gone on with the judge at the helm.
     Now he’ll get replaced by some judge who probably has some questionable pictures in his or her computer – but doesn’t have a website.
     Come on. You know it’s true. How many judges do you think there are out there who’ve never looked at a naughty picture on the Internet? Is there such a person?
     And, if there is, would not that person be equally biased?
     If a judge who looks at pornography is biased in favor of the defendant in a pornography trial, isn’t a mythical judge who doesn’t look at it equally biased in favor of the other side?
     Heck, you might as well have people opposed to murder presiding over murder trials. No, wait, there’s something wrong with that logic….
     Anyway, you see the problem. Is every prospective judge for this trial going to have to swear to never looking at naked people? Is anyone going to believe them?
     You can forgive the whimsical judge who thought he was posting weird stuff for amusement, but what about those senators? You have sensitive data that could ruin lives in a computer and then you plug that computer into the world’s nervous system?
     OK, they’re just politicians. You can’t expect them to be too bright.
     Fortunately, I’m here to offer some guidance. If you’re in government and you have to put stuff on a computer, be sure to do the following things:
     1) Include as many lies as you can to confuse the spies. You’re in government this should be second-nature.
     2) Include all government reports and hearing transcripts. This will weaken the mental health of any hacker.
     3) Include pictures of naked people painted as cows. Odds are the Chinese won’t look at anything else.
     
     VICTORIA‘S SECRET WEAPON. The following is the complete and only description of the injury in a recent products liability complaint filed in Los Angeles Superior Court. Picture this:
     “On or about May 15, 2007 plaintiff was injured by the following product: Victoria’s Secret undergarment: Sexy little thing, low-rise v-string. Mfg 2564; Style 1343; MCSX 703.”
     I’m guessing heart attack.

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