Politics.2016

     I hacked into Republican candidates’ campaign committee websites this week while the candidates made wee-wee on each other in Las Vegas. Here’s what I found out.
     (Note to Republican Campaign Contributors, from the Committee): You can make wee-wee on anyone, so long as you pony up.
     (Second Note to Republican Campaign Contributors): Not that we are suggesting that you or your candidate of choice make wee-wee on ponies.
     (Third Note to Republican Campaign Contributors): Though it’s still legal in this great country of ours to make wee-wee on ponies, or upon the candidate of your choice. Or all of them. Or yourself.
     (Fourth Note to Republican Campaign Contributors): We ourselves, as Republican campaign contributors, have seen some cute ponies we would like to contribute to. To help out the pony’s mom. And spend more time with the pony’s family.
     (Fifth Note to Republican Campaign Contributors): Send your contributions to me and my committee of tax experts at Trump-Rubio-Cruz.xxx.net. Worried about which candidate will get it? Worry not. It makes no difference. Machts nicht, mensch. If you get my drift.
     (Sixth Note to Republican Campaign Contributors): I will gladly share with you the documents I stole, for the low low price of $20,000 per document. Please send your tax-deductible contributions to Bob-Kahn-Super-PAC@Dreck.gov. Each document comes with a waiver of liability. If your check clears.
     Here is what I found from my Internet hacking adventures.
     Sometime before Christmas, Donald Trump (personal email account: God@aol.net) will accuse Senator Ted Cruz of having sexual intercourse with a snake. And a much uglier snake than Mr. Trump would have chosen. And in fact, had sex with. During which he suffered less harm than Senator Cruz would have suffered, while having sex with a less attractive and smaller snake.
     Senator Cruz will respond with a Facebook campaign, in which he will state: “I never touched that snake. Besides, she told me she was 19.”
     Senator Cruz, R-Texas and Cuba, will submit video proof that he did not have sex with a snake, on or about a Date Certain. (Cruz-I-Never-Fucked-That-Snake.org.)
     Then Senator Cruz will retire from the campaign trail for a few weeks, during the religious holidays, to spend more time with his ponies.
     At or about this time, Senator Cruz’s bitter rival Marco Rubio, R-Smarmy, will issue a statement on YouTube: “Senator Rubio denies that he beat up Senator Cruz on or about a Date Certain, in a fight over a pony, or a snake.”
     (Rubio-I-Hardly-Knew-That-Snake.gov). Rubio will then retire from the campaign trail for a while, to spend more time with his snakes.
     Carly Fiorina will rise briefly in the polls by firing 30,000 snakes (Fiorina-New-Dynamic-Synergies-Will-Not-Impact-Snakes-Going-Forward.gov).
     On Christmas day Donald Trump, lagging slightly in the polls behind Rubio and Cruz, will send Fiorina home crying like a little girl, by issuing his first Position Statement: “Muslim Refugees Should Be Sodomized on Cable TV by Members of the Executive Board of AIPAC.” (Trump-Loves-The-Jews.xxx.)
     Also on Christmas, The New York Times, in a pathetic sniveling attempt to hold onto Republican subscribers, will publish a column by Ross Douthat under the headline “Take a Hard Look at the Tragedy of Vermont.” (nyt-desperate-sniveling-cowards-douthat.biz)
     In its lightly read Jan. 2 edition, the Times will bury a story on page D7 under the headline: “Poll: 74 Percent of Good Dogs Say They Would Vote for Bernie Sanders.” (Dogs-Are-Better-Than-People-Vt.edu)
     Republican legislatures across the country will then pass laws against dogs. Nothing particular against dogs. Just against dogs in general.
     This will bring us to Valentine’s Day.

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