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Op-Ed

Play Gerbil! Help Bob! What have you got to lose?

August 19, 2022

Looking for a big payout, a Courthouse News columnist invites you to play a new game, Gerbil!, for a low but suspicious fee. Just like on Facebook. Or, what’s it called now, PETA?

Robert Kahn

By Robert Kahn

Deputy editor emeritus, Courthouse News

There are three levels of Gerbil!©TM, ranked by how gullible rich and smart you are, and how much time you’ve got on your hands, and how much money you got.

People with money to spare will be provided the answers, and can have smarter people take the test for them — just like in the NCAA!

(Sorry! Division One major sports candidates only!)

In Level One of Gerbil!©TM, Bob will write the lede sentence to a column, leaving out two words. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to fill in those words.

To get you started, here is a sample problem:

Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump can ____ my ___.

The solution: Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump can kiss my ass.

Got it? 

OK, then. Not so hard yet, right?

But wait until you get to Level Two of Gerbil!©TM, in which Bob writes the lede sentence to a column, leaving out more than two words.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to fill in those words.

Here is a sample problem: Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy can ______ my ____ ___ ______.

The solution: Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy can smooch my rosy red bottom.

A bit harder, I know, ’cause of the hard words in it.

But not too hard for any __-_______ _______ (bicoastal elitist) of ____ ____ _______ ____________ (less than average intelligence).

Unfortunately for those of you willing to remain at Level One or Two forever, there are only 535 members of Congress, 50 governors, and just one attorney general of Texas. And 4,392 seats on state legislatures. So … that’s … umm … 4,981 possible answers, or questions, or questionable people whom you may encounter on Levels One and Two, as questions, or answers. 

Let’s call it 4,950, due to vacancies and/or eagerly awaited unfortunate deaths.

That’s quite a few possible questions, or answers, but not enough to last forever.

So let’s move along to Level Three of Gerbil!©TM.

The rules here, should you choose to accept them, are essentially the same, but on Level Three you must write the questions yourself, as well as the answers.

I know what you’re thinking. (I am a highly paid remora political consultant.)

“Listen, Bob,” (you are thinking) “if I write the questions for Gerbil!©TM, then how could I not know the answers?”

Obviously, you are not a highly paid political consultant. 

The whole point of the game of Gerbil (a small, tame rodent, often kept as a pet) is not to come up with an answer, but to phrase the question in such a way that you appear to win.

For example: __ ___ ____ ___ _______ _________ __ ________ __ _________ ___ ____ __ ______ ___ ____ __ ___ (___ ___ _____) __________ ________ __ ___ ________ _______ __ ___ _______ __ ___ _____?

Doesn’t look so easy anymore, does it, Average Voter? 

OK, to get you started, here is the answer, I mean the question:

Do you want the liberal Democrats in Congress to undermine all that is sacred and holy in our (by and large) monogamous families in the Greatest Country in the History of the World?

Having phrased the question in this way, it is virtually impossible for you to lose at Gerbil!©TM. Depending on which TV station you watch.

Are you ready, Average Voter? OK, let’s play!

But remember, first you must register to vote.

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